7th May 2015 (Election Day)

7th May 2015

My majestic, magnificent, masterful, manly man!
Happy Election Day! I’m on tenterhooks, darling. What is going to happen? (Please forgive my over-exuberance, I’m a little drunk.)

You see, (and this is why I haven’t written to you since the last budget) I was so determined to take advantage of the lovely gesture that Giddy made of taking a penny off beer, that I have spent the last few months consuming a thousand pints and can now proudly say that, because of George Osborne, I am now ten pounds richer! (Ignoring, of course, the £2,500+ in tax credits he took away from me, but I forgave him long ago for that. We’re all in this together, remember.)

Mind you, I probably shouldn’t have downed that last pint in one go just before heading to the booths. I think I may have thrown up on my local Tory candidate. Oops.

Anyway, I’m just going to email this as my printer doesn’t work because I know you’ll eventually get to see it and you’ll know that I’m still behind you all the way, hoping you’ll break a leg. And if, in a million to one chance, you’re no longer in Number 10 come tomorrow, you will forward me your new address won’t you darling? But you will be victorious, darling. I know you will.

How fitting that it’s VE Day tomorrow. In time to come they’ll name today VD Day!

My Dave.

Yours always,

Katy Anchant


18th March 2015


Darling man,

It is with a heavy heart I write to you today. You see, one of my beautiful family cats was taken from me on Mother’s Day by a dog owned by a rather nasty youth, who encouraged and enjoyed the vicious attack until concerned neighbours came to investigate. I mention this because I wanted to say that, even in the deep hole of sadness that this event has left me in, our correspondence has taught me one thing: that life is about survival of the fittest and the reality of that fact can be brutal. You and your party only serve as healthy reminders of that fact.

So I’ll just make it a quick one. I just wanted to let you know I’m still here and that I’m still your number one cheerleader, though it seems you need little help because now you’re getting help from Labour too!
I know I mentioned Rachel Reeves before, IDS’s potential replacement should Labour win, (God help us), but she has come out and said, “We are not the party of people on benefits. We don’t want to be seen, and we’re not, the party to represent those who are out of work”.
She’s completely following your lead and, at the same time, she’s trying to sound even nastier than your own attack dog, Iain, thereby making him look a little less demon-like. A total win! At the next election people will have the choice between ‘Evil, Despotic, Poor-people-hating, Lying Sociopath’ and ‘Evil, Despotic, Poor-people-hating (and completely honest about that fact) Sociopath’.
I also heard that you were looking to recruit more young people into the Conservative Party and I think that’s a great idea. The youth do need an outlet for their blossoming young talent and, as I hold no malice whatsoever to the destroyer of my cat as I know he was just a messenger, I’m going to be on a London-wide hunt for him just for you, my dear, in the hopes that he may find a future place in your fold.


Your number one fan,

Katy Anchant

9th December 2014


9th December 2014

My darling,

I can’t say how sorry I am that I’ve not written for so long. I know with public opinion polls still dead set against you and for everyone trying to make moves to look good in the next election, you need all the support you can get, but rest assured, my zeal to put finger to keyboard to tell you how much I want you to break a leg is overwhelming.

It’s also difficult to find new stuff to write to you about, I mean it’s all so dull. People are still waiting for their disability benefits to be dealt with and in the meantime they’re starving and dying; homeless and poverty rates are going up and up; people are getting kicked out of their homes because some foreign investor has just bought it and wants to evict everyone; and the papers are still making up stories about how it’s all somehow the fault of immigrants and unemployed people. For a UK under your almighty blue rule, my love, it’s just so completely and utterly NORMAL.

I was moved to write today though, by a comment made by some Conservative Baroness, who suggested that the reason why so many of the poor are going hungry is simply because they don’t know how to cook.

Now I’m all for picking up the cheap looking stuff, but that cheap pasta is so hard and crunchy, I don’t know how people can eat it. Also, I realise a can of value beans can cost as little as 10p, but I’m going nowhere near cheap beans again after the last can caused my microwave to explode. And that value chicken? Not a chance. It somehow got away and I had to chase the damn thing halfway down the road in my pyjamas.

No, what with that and my improperly wrapped cheese, I think I’m going to stick with a McDonald’s breakfast from now on, thank you very much.

And, like some members of your party, they also make fantastic doughnuts.

Katy Anchant

6th November 2014


6th November 2014

My brave Dave,

I just wanted to write to you today and offer some support because I know you´re still a little shaken up by that incident last week when that jogger ran straight into you on the street, prompting all sorts of security breach hoo-ha. And it´s all the more affecting because you know it could´ve been far worse. He could´ve been a terrorist, or worse – a scrounging jobseeker. No, a foreign scrounging jobseeker. Eww, can you imagine? *shudder* So, please darling, you do need to take your security more seriously, what with all those people out there who would probably like to see your handsome head on a stick, like that horrible Keith man, or perhaps the entire readership of any of the balanced newspapers combined.

Okay, so you´re not the best Prime Minister that ever was; you are guilty of breaking almost every pre-election promise you´ve ever made (not to mention some laws too); you´ve been caught lying on your latest Tory pamphlet on the economy, spreading a little more scrounger-hate by suggesting we spend more on welfare than we do on pensions after a little `creative accounting´ (naughty, naughty); poor Giddy`s stubborn tactic of cutting public investment has caused all income from taxes to drop putting him right on track to missing every single one of his deficit targets; and the electorate are pretty hopping mad because UK wages have fallen continuously since you took over, (unless you´re in the top 1% where the number of billionaires have doubled); but darling, that doesn´t mean you are a crap Prime Minister. I have mountains of washing that needs folding and putting away all over the house, but that doesn´t make me a crap housewife. I do the necessaries. And when I find it a bit hard going I shove everything into the spare room, shut the door, and pretend it just doesn´t exist. Like you do with poverty.

Do let me know when you`re going to be in my area, darling. I´ve been known to jog a little and I know you wouldn´t mind a quick bump if it was from me. 🙂

All my love,

Katy Anchant

17th October 2014


17 October 2014

Darling dearest,

I thought I’d write today to show you some support after you’ve come under so much public criticism for letting your Welfare Minister, the silver-haired but lead-tongued Lord Freud, remain Welfare Minister after revealing that he thought disabled workers weren’t worth the minimum wage.

I do understand he was just saying what many Tories feel, that some people just aren’t worth the time or money keeping alive. I mean, there are only so many resources on this planet, why waste it on the less able?
But he said sorry, right? Time to move on already. Having said that, another one of yours has actually come to his defence stating that minimum wage is a barrier to work for disabled people and that Lord Freud was just compassionately suggesting we remove that barrier. How thoughtful.

But the thing is, I understand, my darling. The real evil here is money. We’re all taught from an early age that money is the root of all evil. You are merely making sure you keep as much of this evil away from the people as you possibly can. (Though not from the people who already have lots of it, as they’re too far gone already.) You have to be cruel to be kind, especially as Prime Minister.

That’s why Britain is the fourth most unequal developed country on earth, where pay has fallen faster than in all but three EU countries, in which people work the third longest hours for the second lowest wages despite having the third highest housing costs, highest train fares and the second worst levels of fuel poverty.

But there is a strategy here that people just don’t see. If you add to those statistics the surprising facts that Britain also has the fourth poorest pensioners and the highest infant mortality rate in Western Europe, they might begin to understand. The poor and the weak need to stop breeding and the old need to die quicker! That way, there’ll be more for everyone else, and the people left would be much happier. Also, we’d all be Tories in a new blue world.

I guess you can’t really hang your campaign on a genocidal message, so we’ll just keep this one our little secret, my poppet.

All my love.

Katy Anchant

6th October 2014

6th October 2014
Oh, my love,

Can you ever forgive me for how long it’s been since I last wrote to you? Please my love, forgive me, for there is a good reason for my lack of correspondence. You see, it’s been a bit of a fraught summer. I had no oven or hob for a good couple of months, and also no bathroom basin, but that was okay. The bit that meant I was just too busy to write was my friend being made homeless with her young child and her cat and dog. Me, being mentally ill with a horrible disorder called empathy, gave her a place to live.

What this meant of course was that there were seven people living in my 2.5 bedroom house. (I mean, seriously, if this were social housing my third bedroom would not count. I lovingly refer to it as the ‘cupboard’.) So my friend and her child lived in my cupboard for three months while desperately trying to get some help from anywhere. I mean, anywhere.

No council would take responsibility for her, no homeless charities would assist, absolutely no one would help. She was originally one of your constituents but couldn’t get any help from your office, so I did consider giving her your number so that she could come and stay with you, but the insecurities set in. You see, my friend has skin of porcelain and absolutely beautiful eyes, and my love, I feared you might stray.

In the end I personally wrote to some charities (using my OMG awesomez lettor writing skillz) on her behalf and finally she was given enough money for a deposit on a tiny little house out in the sticks, two or three bus rides from her nearest newsagents.

Now, you’d probably say that all’s well that ends well, but darling, the trauma of housing a pleb. I should have known darling, but because of my mental illness I didn’t see it coming. In between frantically trying to find anywhere to live, anywhere that would give her a job, crying and feeling unbelievably guilty about living with me, what do you suppose she did? Yes, she smoked B&H, drank Special Brew and watched Jezza with her beer belly hanging out. Just kidding. She didn’t do that at all. She just sat around smoking crack.

Anyway, I have seen the error of my ways and am seeking counselling for my empathetic ways so that I can become more like IDS. In my position he would probably have told her that work pays and that she has to work hard and get on, and she would have died in a gutter somewhere having had her child removed from her.

That would have been far better.

I love you.

Katy Anchant

28th July 2014

My champion,

It is with guilt that I write to you today. You see, I was one of the millions that took to the streets when your hero, Tony Blair, went to war in our name and little old me, not knowing any better, held up a placard in a vast sea of people holding up similar placards opposing a war that we all knew was wrong. But now we know, after you have shown ‘staunch support’ for Israel’s blockade and indiscriminate bombing of the people of Gaza, after the UK government abstained in a UN vote to give them more recognition, and after the BBC has reported that the UK economy is now back at pre-crisis levels, that war is in fact great for the economy. If only I had known, my love. Can you ever forgive me?

Apparently, according to government figures, Britain’s arms sales to Israel total almost £8 billion. You could probably buy a small country for that much. My guess is that would’ve almost certainly pushed us over the edge in terms of getting the economy back on track. OK, so it has meant a few thousand dead men, women and children, but look what it’s done to the headlines. You can’t argue with that.
Of course, the fact that Britain may now be a frontrunner in Europe in terms of economic growth may probably not be enough to convince the uninformed plebs of this country, who have seen their disposable income shrink year after year. A recent survey found one in four have £50 left after paying their bills, while one in eleven have just £10 left to spend. When people had adequate tax credits to fall back on, or didn’t have jobcentre workers under orders to get people sanctioned, there would probably not be such a fuss. But when another former British soldier dies after having all their money taken away because they miss an appointment, it is quite hard to escape the negative press. But people need to see the bigger picture. Essentially, he was a soldier who died for the good of the country, and the sanctions, the cutbacks, the Bedroom Tax, have all resulted in deaths that have made proud martyred soldiers of thousands more.

It does seem that IDS’s army training may have had some bearing on his later career after all.

Keep up the good work, my beloved.

Katy Anchant