21st September 2015

21st September 2015
My darling hog roast,

I do hope that you are staying away from prying eyes today and definitely aren’t looking at the piggate / Hameron hashtags on Twitter.

I totally agree with your friends who said that everyone does stuff like that when they’re young. I spent years wondering why the Tesco Value chicken fillets I was using in my bra didn’t give me quite the silhouette I was after. Maybe you’d just been misinformed about good head? Or was it some commoner who told you that ‘spit roasting’ actually related to pigs? I do have to say though, darling, what were you thinking? Do I now need to be tested for swine flu? I mean, it’s not that I’m against hamosexuality. Kermit is totally into that and everyone still loves HIM, but from what I can gather you may not have used protection with that particular babe and I can’t help but be concerned.

What with that and this alleged ‘dope smoking group’ it seems to have been a very joint-related day for you. Not really taking into consideration your noble brow and political prowess, people just seem to be scoffing and snorting with laughter. I think it’s simply beastly of them and I do hope they simmer down with their ham-fisted jibes. I do hope the humour of your nickname ‘Gammon Face’ hasn’t escaped you. If you can’t laugh at a time like this, when can you?

Anyway, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling a little hurt, but you know I still love you nonetheless. Hopefully in future you won’t be such a silly sausage. Let’s put this unfortunate incident behind us – I’m hoping that it’s a bunch of porkies anyway – and get things bacon track.

Love always, my little piglet.

Katy Anchant

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