8th May 2015

Hello sweetums,

Congrats on the timely despatch of the pretenders to your throne, because let’s face it, you are a king amongst men. Gone is the Cleggbot, and that dreary Millipede. Tell me, will you have any problems transporting the original Clegg cadaver from your filing cabinet to a more convenient location? Will you be able to reuse the Cleggbot and change his programming a bit so that he can be a butler?

Anyway, your fabulous victory. I saw the TV footage of you getting out of the Jag at Buck house. It took me back to those old Colgate adverts, the sun shining off your perfect teeth. I would have been there in person, but I’ve been struggling to fight my way through the huge crowds of Eastern Europeans who have swamped my lovely, erstwhile quiet suburb. I can’t wait for your referendum on the whole EU thingy, to be honest I don’t really understand it all as I’m only a girl, but I’d GLADLY give up my human rights as long as they, umm, stop working so hard for so little pay and stop contributing loads to the economy.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter, they ain’t from round here, so send them all back! Better still maybe we could cut England out of the middle bit and float it away a bit, then we can stay all lovely and Anglo Saxon with our German/Greek Royal Family and not have to think about those angry Scots and those funny Welsh people. Also, could you please sort out Cif and Snickers bars, and what was wrong with Opal Fruits?

So be a love and get it sorted out quickly. Maybe we can discuss it over dinner, and a bit of afters, if you know what I mean?

Tatty bye for now

Katy Anchant

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