It is with a heavy heart I write to you today. You see, one of my beautiful family cats was taken from me on Mother’s Day by a dog owned by a rather nasty youth, who encouraged and enjoyed the vicious attack until concerned neighbours came to investigate. I mention this because I wanted to say that, even in the deep hole of sadness that this event has left me in, our correspondence has taught me one thing: that life is about survival of the fittest and the reality of that fact can be brutal. You and your party only serve as healthy reminders of that fact.
So I’ll just make it a quick one. I just wanted to let you know I’m still here and that I’m still your number one cheerleader, though it seems you need little help because now you’re getting help from Labour too!
I know I mentioned Rachel Reeves before, IDS’s potential replacement should Labour win, (God help us), but she has come out and said, “We are not the party of people on benefits. We don’t want to be seen, and we’re not, the party to represent those who are out of work”.
She’s completely following your lead and, at the same time, she’s trying to sound even nastier than your own attack dog, Iain, thereby making him look a little less demon-like. A total win! At the next election people will have the choice between ‘Evil, Despotic, Poor-people-hating, Lying Sociopath’ and ‘Evil, Despotic, Poor-people-hating (and completely honest about that fact) Sociopath’.
I also heard that you were looking to recruit more young people into the Conservative Party and I think that’s a great idea. The youth do need an outlet for their blossoming young talent and, as I hold no malice whatsoever to the destroyer of my cat as I know he was just a messenger, I’m going to be on a London-wide hunt for him just for you, my dear, in the hopes that he may find a future place in your fold.
Your number one fan,