9th December 2014


9th December 2014

My darling,

I can’t say how sorry I am that I’ve not written for so long. I know with public opinion polls still dead set against you and for everyone trying to make moves to look good in the next election, you need all the support you can get, but rest assured, my zeal to put finger to keyboard to tell you how much I want you to break a leg is overwhelming.

It’s also difficult to find new stuff to write to you about, I mean it’s all so dull. People are still waiting for their disability benefits to be dealt with and in the meantime they’re starving and dying; homeless and poverty rates are going up and up; people are getting kicked out of their homes because some foreign investor has just bought it and wants to evict everyone; and the papers are still making up stories about how it’s all somehow the fault of immigrants and unemployed people. For a UK under your almighty blue rule, my love, it’s just so completely and utterly NORMAL.

I was moved to write today though, by a comment made by some Conservative Baroness, who suggested that the reason why so many of the poor are going hungry is simply because they don’t know how to cook.

Now I’m all for picking up the cheap looking stuff, but that cheap pasta is so hard and crunchy, I don’t know how people can eat it. Also, I realise a can of value beans can cost as little as 10p, but I’m going nowhere near cheap beans again after the last can caused my microwave to explode. And that value chicken? Not a chance. It somehow got away and I had to chase the damn thing halfway down the road in my pyjamas.

No, what with that and my improperly wrapped cheese, I think I’m going to stick with a McDonald’s breakfast from now on, thank you very much.

And, like some members of your party, they also make fantastic doughnuts.

Katy Anchant