17th October 2014


17 October 2014

Darling dearest,

I thought I’d write today to show you some support after you’ve come under so much public criticism for letting your Welfare Minister, the silver-haired but lead-tongued Lord Freud, remain Welfare Minister after revealing that he thought disabled workers weren’t worth the minimum wage.

I do understand he was just saying what many Tories feel, that some people just aren’t worth the time or money keeping alive. I mean, there are only so many resources on this planet, why waste it on the less able?
But he said sorry, right? Time to move on already. Having said that, another one of yours has actually come to his defence stating that minimum wage is a barrier to work for disabled people and that Lord Freud was just compassionately suggesting we remove that barrier. How thoughtful.

But the thing is, I understand, my darling. The real evil here is money. We’re all taught from an early age that money is the root of all evil. You are merely making sure you keep as much of this evil away from the people as you possibly can. (Though not from the people who already have lots of it, as they’re too far gone already.) You have to be cruel to be kind, especially as Prime Minister.

That’s why Britain is the fourth most unequal developed country on earth, where pay has fallen faster than in all but three EU countries, in which people work the third longest hours for the second lowest wages despite having the third highest housing costs, highest train fares and the second worst levels of fuel poverty.

But there is a strategy here that people just don’t see. If you add to those statistics the surprising facts that Britain also has the fourth poorest pensioners and the highest infant mortality rate in Western Europe, they might begin to understand. The poor and the weak need to stop breeding and the old need to die quicker! That way, there’ll be more for everyone else, and the people left would be much happier. Also, we’d all be Tories in a new blue world.

I guess you can’t really hang your campaign on a genocidal message, so we’ll just keep this one our little secret, my poppet.

All my love.

Katy Anchant


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