2nd July 2014
Oh dear, my darling, you really ought to be more careful or people really will start to think that you don’t care. I was reading just yesterday about Richard Benyon’s family firm, worth £110m, who have bought a block of flats in Hoxton and is going to raise the rent. This particular block has been charging social rent for – well, pretty much forever, and the rent rise will mean that almost everyone there has to move out. Of course, none of these people will be able to get assistance from the council unless they are forcibly removed by bailiffs.
I mean, don’t get me wrong darling – I’m all for it. If you can’t afford to live in Hoxton then you shouldn’t live in Hoxton. Much like if you can’t afford to live in London at all then you should move to Birmingham, but I’m a little worried darling. If all of the NHS workers, care workers, chambermaids and emergency service personnel move to Birmingham, then who on Earth will do those jobs in the expensive areas? I’m sure you have some cunning plan darling, and I know you’re trying very hard – you’re a very trying man after all – but if you do have a plan I really think you ought to implement it sooner rather than later. I’m sure you’ll agree that commuting from Birmingham to London isn’t terribly practical (although I’m sure it would be possible for those who want to work hard and get on).
My own suggestions are as follows: Do NOT increase minimum wage, and certainly don’t encourage places like John Lewis to pay their cleaners a living wage. Anyone who is sensible about wrapping their cheese can easily live on minimum wage, as Richard Benyon himself told us. Also, do NOT build more social housing. We really don’t need that sort of person in the Capital after all, and every piece of land suitable for building should be sold to private building firms who can make a huge profit on luxury gated apartments. I mean, this all makes sense, right?
Had you considered setting up sort of shanty towns for low paid workers in London? There’s a green space just near me called Pinkham Way, and it could be absolutely filled with low quality 1970s caravans – you can pick them up on eBay for about £350 – and you could charge a very, very low rent on them of around £1,000 a week. A bargain for you and a bargain for them. (And hopefully you’ll get a little cut too darling, after all you have to plan for our future. This PM job can’t last forever and what will you do afterwards? I hope the Job Centre in Westminster has comfy Chesterfields, at least.) Good idea? Yes, I thought so.
Seriously though my love, just keep doing what you’re doing – working hard and getting on. You’re a good sort and a good tax payer, and that’s the only thing this country needs.