28th July 2014

My champion,

It is with guilt that I write to you today. You see, I was one of the millions that took to the streets when your hero, Tony Blair, went to war in our name and little old me, not knowing any better, held up a placard in a vast sea of people holding up similar placards opposing a war that we all knew was wrong. But now we know, after you have shown ‘staunch support’ for Israel’s blockade and indiscriminate bombing of the people of Gaza, after the UK government abstained in a UN vote to give them more recognition, and after the BBC has reported that the UK economy is now back at pre-crisis levels, that war is in fact great for the economy. If only I had known, my love. Can you ever forgive me?

Apparently, according to government figures, Britain’s arms sales to Israel total almost £8 billion. You could probably buy a small country for that much. My guess is that would’ve almost certainly pushed us over the edge in terms of getting the economy back on track. OK, so it has meant a few thousand dead men, women and children, but look what it’s done to the headlines. You can’t argue with that.
Of course, the fact that Britain may now be a frontrunner in Europe in terms of economic growth may probably not be enough to convince the uninformed plebs of this country, who have seen their disposable income shrink year after year. A recent survey found one in four have £50 left after paying their bills, while one in eleven have just £10 left to spend. When people had adequate tax credits to fall back on, or didn’t have jobcentre workers under orders to get people sanctioned, there would probably not be such a fuss. But when another former British soldier dies after having all their money taken away because they miss an appointment, it is quite hard to escape the negative press. But people need to see the bigger picture. Essentially, he was a soldier who died for the good of the country, and the sanctions, the cutbacks, the Bedroom Tax, have all resulted in deaths that have made proud martyred soldiers of thousands more.

It does seem that IDS’s army training may have had some bearing on his later career after all.

Keep up the good work, my beloved.

Katy Anchant



7th July 2014


7th July 2014

My darling chocolate finger,

Buggery. Just when you thought you were absolutely infallible, along comes a ruling that says your retrospective laws over the back-to-work scheme were a bit iffy. I very much enjoyed the Daily Mail’s take on it – that ‘taxpayers’ face paying £130m to people who refused to work for free. I mean, this is of course technically true, but don’t you think it might be time to start some hate going on for old people?

I mean, think about it. Disability hate crime is up, and if you’re a ‘scrounger’ then lots of people who are working hard and getting on actually want you dead, but it’s the elderly who cost the most money. After all, a person earning £25,200 pays £5,702.12 in tax and national insurance, and would you believe that only £56.74 of that goes on unemployment? I mean, I suck at maths, but isn’t that around a penny in every pound? If people actually find that out they might stop being so cross about those who can’t find a job, but if you pointed out to them that they were spending £800 on pensions, well, we could get elderly hate crime up significantly too, and that would be smashing.

I don’t know about you darling but I just adore a country that’s full of hate for fellow man rather than for the corporations who pay so badly and use workfare, and the other corporations who just don’t pay enough tax. I say keep it going in whatever way you can. It keeps the heat off you and IDS, after all.

Katy Anchant

2nd July 2014


2nd July 2014


Oh dear, my darling, you really ought to be more careful or people really will start to think that you don’t care. I was reading just yesterday about Richard Benyon’s family firm, worth £110m, who have bought a block of flats in Hoxton and is going to raise the rent. This particular block has been charging social rent for – well, pretty much forever, and the rent rise will mean that almost everyone there has to move out. Of course, none of these people will be able to get assistance from the council unless they are forcibly removed by bailiffs.

I mean, don’t get me wrong darling – I’m all for it. If you can’t afford to live in Hoxton then you shouldn’t live in Hoxton. Much like if you can’t afford to live in London at all then you should move to Birmingham, but I’m a little worried darling. If all of the NHS workers, care workers, chambermaids and emergency service personnel move to Birmingham, then who on Earth will do those jobs in the expensive areas? I’m sure you have some cunning plan darling, and I know you’re trying very hard – you’re a very trying man after all – but if you do have a plan I really think you ought to implement it sooner rather than later. I’m sure you’ll agree that commuting from Birmingham to London isn’t terribly practical (although I’m sure it would be possible for those who want to work hard and get on).

My own suggestions are as follows: Do NOT increase minimum wage, and certainly don’t encourage places like John Lewis to pay their cleaners a living wage. Anyone who is sensible about wrapping their cheese can easily live on minimum wage, as Richard Benyon himself told us. Also, do NOT build more social housing. We really don’t need that sort of person in the Capital after all, and every piece of land suitable for building should be sold to private building firms who can make a huge profit on luxury gated apartments. I mean, this all makes sense, right?
Had you considered setting up sort of shanty towns for low paid workers in London? There’s a green space just near me called Pinkham Way, and it could be absolutely filled with low quality 1970s caravans – you can pick them up on eBay for about £350 – and you could charge a very, very low rent on them of around £1,000 a week. A bargain for you and a bargain for them. (And hopefully you’ll get a little cut too darling, after all you have to plan for our future. This PM job can’t last forever and what will you do afterwards? I hope the Job Centre in Westminster has comfy Chesterfields, at least.) Good idea? Yes, I thought so.

Seriously though my love, just keep doing what you’re doing – working hard and getting on. You’re a good sort and a good tax payer, and that’s the only thing this country needs.

Katy Anchant