6th June 2014


My dear man,

I just heard! Congratulations on winning Newark back, my love.

And apparently it was by quite a sizable margin. And with UKIP in second place. Who’d’ve thunk it? Well, I guess they did really well in the European elections though God knows why. I guess people overlooked the fact that their sole agenda was to get paid for not going to work.

Anyway, I couldn’t help noticing in the Queen’s Speech that you just introduced a bill that addressed the reason for this by-election in Newark – when ex-Tory, Patrick Mercer, stood down after he was caught accepting cash on camera – it was to give the power to voters to kick out an MP. That did leave me a little worried, I have to be honest, but when I saw that the bill would only go to public vote after said MP had been given a jail sentence or if all his mates signed off on it, I breathed a sigh of relief.

No, you and your boys have nothing to worry about, especially if Newark is anything to go by. You’re really gaining popularity now you have things like Irritable Iain successfully managing to suppress a damning report on his pet project, Universal Credit, while making sure that not a penny of the 25 billion he’s spending on welfare reform is going to actually go on welfare; Glorious Giddy spouting off to anyone who’ll listen that the economy is recovering despite in-work poverty rising by almost 60%; and Goldfish Gove returning school curriculums to the way they used to be, before things like coursework or World War 1 got in the way.

I did actually catch a small bit of the Queen’s Speech at the opening of Parliament. (Of course, I only watch it to catch a glimpse of your sublime regal forehead.) I must say, I marvel every time I see it (not the forehead, the speech). She is the Queen of England yet you and your boys tell her exactly what to say! She should actually open with the phrase, “you don’t need to see his identification, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for” or “this is a party political broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party.” I know that if I was on that speech writing team, I’d at least have some fun with it. I mean, you can make old Lizzie say anything you want! I’d at least stick a joke or two in – make fun of Ed Minivan’s face, or perhaps make her do a little rap in that cutesy royal voice – “Stop, collaborate and listen, Queenie’s back with a brand new opening address to the nation.”

Maybe next time, eh?

All my love,

Katy Anchant


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