29th May 2014


My precious pumpkin,

You’ll be so glad to hear that I’m recovering slowly from my awful ear, sinus and chest infection. Thank you so much for the fruit basket, you thoughtful dear. Unfortunately it must have gone to someone else by accident, but I know the thought was there and I know you missed me like a crazed lovesick fool.

I missed you, darling, like a woman left bereft at the loss of her hat during Ascot, and what I missed most is your sense of humour. I really lolled yesterday when reading an article in the Independent about child poverty, and how millions of British children’s futures are being ‘written off by poverty’. The case study in the article was a young couple; he a working Dad, she a part-time studying Mum. They basically have no money.

What made me laugh though was your spokesperson’s response, which was something along the lines of ‘Universal Credit is going to be awesome, and by the way, there are 100,000 fewer children living in workless poor families now.’ Oh, my darling, it seems that your spokespeople can’t even be bothered to deny it anymore, because the article was nothing to do with the workless poor, really. It was just about the poor, and as you know, two thirds of children living in poverty are from working households.

Oh, how I lolled though, because darling, now you’re not even faking as if you care. It is absolutely wonderful to see you so boldly blaming the dole scum for making children poor. All children. Everywhere. In fact, everything is their fault. Everywhere. Right? Yes, I thought so. ROFL!

Katy Anchant


12th May 2014


12th May 2014

My darling David,

I have a confession.

Sometimes, when there’s no-one about, I like to Google myself. Of course, I would always do you first, before me, you know that, my love, but when I finally did Google myself, I can’t tell you how pleased I was when the first thing that came up were my letters to you.

It kind of makes it all worth it, to know that up there on that worldwide web thingy, conserved for all time, is my love for you, completely covered in your masterful strokes, political thrusts and famous debates.

I realise right now you’re a little worried that perhaps you won’t be around for a second term in office, what with Milliband trying to convince people that Labour had nothing to do with HS2 or ATOS or cutting people’s benefits, and if you vote for him everybody will suddenly have more money; and also UKIP, convincing people that if you don’t vote for them, some Bulgarian will murder them in their sleep before taking their job. But fret not, my love, because up there, in that big web archive in the sky, is evidence that there’s only one thing you really need to do to win the next election: lie!

Just like you did in the last election, my darling.

You promised all sorts of things, like you wouldn’t cut the NHS, (“we’ll cut the deficit, not the NHS” you said), you wouldn’t raise VAT, (of course you then raised it to a record 20%), you would do something about the government’s massive overspending that apparently landed us all in this mess in the first place (and then you end up borrowing more in three years than Labour did in thirteen), you wouldn’t cut student funding (and then axed the educational maintenance allowance), you would take care of the disabled (you said, and I must quote this because it is pretty hilarious in retrospect: “the disabled, far from being a soft target and an easy touch for a Government, are a group of vulnerable people who should be the last people to be disadvantaged when changes are made to our welfare.” Yes, you actually said that, my love. And then you go and introduce the Bedroom Tax which targeted 660,000 people, two-thirds of which were disabled). And I could go on, but I think you see my point: it doesn’t matter what you promise before an election because once you’re in, you can do whatever you jolly-well like. 
So, just go for your life, my lovely. Promise more doctors, promise more affordable housing, promise less spending on the enforcement of the use of the word “pleb”, promise a referendum on whether we should have a public flogging of Iain Duncan Smith, promise free bacon rolls for Jobseekers. Just go all over the top and flamboyant, my love.

Happy to help, my favourite PM.

Katy Anchant

P.S. I know I was just thinking off the top of my head there, but actually that flogging thing isn’t a half bad idea….

5th May 2014


5th May 2014

My darling man,

As much as I adore dear old Iain despite his silly temper and unfortunate face, I do think perhaps he should go sooner rather than later. You see, I just heard he’d lost the battle to keep reports on his Universal Credit thing secret saying it would have a “chilling” effect if they were revealed. I’m not entirely sure what he means by this. Some boring government report isn’t likely to have a “chilling effect” on me. I could think of a few things that would – Boris Johnson on a bike. Michael Gove…. Well, just Michael Gove. But I’m sure the Universal Credit reports will most likely not surprise me at all. Best guesses so far have put the cost at over £100,000 per existing claimant! He could’ve probably eliminated poverty in the UK with that. But that would put him out of a job.

Well now that report is all about to come out, it’s probably best that IDS isn’t around to try and defend himself, or his spitting denials are just going to spray all over you my love. If he’s going down, I’d rather he didn’t take you with him.

No, I really would rather not see you going down. At least not like that anyway.

Katy Anchant