23rd April 2014


My wonder drug,

Did you read that ghastly thing about Oxfam yesterday, and how they’re being very mean about you and all of your cuts and things? I mean, you and I both know that it’s all true, and of course I am right behind you in the persecution of the plebs, but don’t people realise that it is for the greater good of the country, and will totally help us get ahead in the global race? How very dare they point out the obvious? Nobody wants their dirty laundry aired in public, but they seem to want the world to see your smalls.

I did smile fondly when I read the government spokesman’s response to Oxfam though, but I do need to ask – what are you on? Is it some kind of reverse truth serum? Because that response was priceless. It got me to thinking – speaking of dirty laundry – perhaps I could do something similar if my Mum visits and is appalled at the huge pile of washing that I have to do. Something along the lines of:

A spokesman for Katy Anchant rejected her Mother’s findings.

He said: “Katy has no washing to do, and for too long Labour encouraged Katy to do washing which created a state of dependency. There’s nothing clean or fresh-smelling about that.
“That’s why Katy is not doing washing. Not washing is the best route out of dirty clothes so we’re making sure it pays to ignore washing and supporting people into ignoring stains – with an extra 30 items of clothing entirely self-cleaning since 2010.

“We’re making the system fair to clothes and the washing machine, and a strong washing basket remains. We spend £94 a year on Febreze for washing-age people so those who don’t do washing can meet their basic needs.
“Our reforms are specifically designed to make stains entirely invisible – with school uniforms and underwear remaining entirely skid-free thanks to our 80in 3D widescreen flatscreen TV.”

Well, maybe it doesn’t make much sense, but if we’re telling fibs then why would it need to?

My love for you is like a red, red rose, except it smells of Bold 2-in-1.

Katy Anchant

PS. Smashing tan. Can’t wait to see your white bits. Bet they’re whiter than white.


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