I was just about to say how much I hope you enjoyed your Easter break when I heard that some errant jellyfish had had the audacity to sting you in the Canaries! How very dare it? Does it not know who you are? You go and do the right thing, heeding the warnings of the locals, by getting your children out of the water, (after all, they are merely children of the Prime Minister so still quite susceptible to what befalls other mortals) and, as is your right, you dive right back in. Obviously, the marine life did not get the memo.
Still, you are alive to tell the tale, and that’s all that matters. And thank God. As it was probably He who rendered their stings non-lethal as you are, of course, needed for a much higher purpose and you so dutifully fulfil that role every day of your working life, you kind, selfless soul.
But they all just seem to want to attack you for it, this time for coming out and saying we’re a Christian country. Well, of course we are. OK, so most of us don’t go to church, gay people are getting married (thanks to you, my love), most economically active people are non-denominational, and people are far more likely to know the words to a Miley Cyrus song than the Lord’s Prayer, but in essence, yes, we are indeed a Christian country. How dare people attack you for being divisive? Well, of course you’re being divisive, darling, but only so you can get those last Christians to vote for you before they all die!
Even though it may seem a little disingenuous to bang the religious drum just as Ed Miliband comes out as an atheist and even though previously you said your faith was a little like Magic FM reception in the Chilterns – it comes and goes, it doesn’t mean you don’t now truly believe.
How indeed can there not be a God after everything you’ve been through? You become Prime Minister without winning an election, you then successfully manage to sell public property and services of which you and your friends vastly profit from on a daily basis, you manage to get said friends very highly paid jobs to do things they have absolutely none of the skills, qualifications or experience to do, you take money directly out of poor people’s pockets, hand it to the rich, and make them believe it’s all the previous government’s fault. Well, if that’s not divine intervention, then you must just be truly a miracle worker, Dave.
But darling, I know you’re not the Messiah, you’re just a very naughty boy.