9th April 2014



Oh, my mourning sweetheart,

Poor, poor Maria.  How simply ghastly for her to have had to resign over her expenses scandal.  It hardly seems fair to me and you know what?  I bet it’s because she’s a gorgeous woman.  I mean, I know loads of people signed petitions for her to resign but I bet everyone who signed it was an ugly woman.  I mean, you didn’t see Giddy resigning over claiming over £100,000 to pay the interest-only mortgage on a house and separate paddock that he’d bought before he even became an MP, flipping his second home allowance to pay for an even larger mortgage and then selling it all off for a million pounds, or for being responsible for the slowest economic recovery in the whole history of the world; or IDS resigning after continuing to claim for employees he no longer had, claiming for things like food for his own kitchen, haircuts, a mirror for his flat and even underwear, or for famously giving his own wife a full-time salary for merely continuing to be his wife (I’d need a VERY high salary for that job), or for failing dismally at everything he’s ever done; and you certainly didn’t see anyone resigning over biscuit-gate.

You must be simply devastated darling, and I can understand why. It was only a few days ago you made a big show of solidarity and suggested everyone just let the matter be. This must be a touch embarrassing now. But I am glad she did do the honourable thing. To be honest, she was taking up far too much room on the news, claiming space that should really belong to your fine, upstanding, cherubic, schoolboy looks.

There’s also another silver lining, as her replacement Sajid Javid, happens to be one of Giddy’s trusted right-hand men. He’s also a huge Thatcher fan and is a multi-millionaire, so he won’t be in any danger of making any outrageous expenses claims seeing as he owns four properties already, including a £2 million pound house in Chelsea which he rents out and a £4 million pound mansion in Fulham. Unlike Mrs Miller, there’d be no desire for him to claim expenses to do silly frivolous things like house disabled parents. (Does this mean that if all the disabled people hit by the bedroom tax ‘resign’, they’ll be let off?)

I know I’ve offered before, but I am always available if there’s room in your own Office Costs Allowance for a “right-hand woman”. I have been told I’m pretty good with my left too. 

Think about it, my sweet.


Katy Anchant


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