24th April 2014


My morning muffin,

As is my wont most mornings (after I’ve dealt with certain people’s persistent habit of piling things in the sink) I like to see how you are, my darling. And there’s nothing I like better than to start my day with you on my lap while I Google.

Sigh. So everyone’s still on about the whole religious thing I see. Now Clegg wants a separation of church and state? Apparently, you immediately rejected that idea, which of course you should have. I mean, with an election coming up, how can he expect people to make such an utterly fundamental shift in attitude? The idea is just radical. A separation? For example, the constitution that founded the United States has a separation more or less written into it, but it’s quite a modern idea. It’s only, what, about 200 years old? It’s not like people have become used to that idea yet.

You are so right though, my love, in wanting more involvement of religion in the running of our country. After all, it works so well in the Middle East. I hear Iran and Afghanistan are flourishing. I think they must be doing quite well over there. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I walked into a shop and could only find Iranian bread, or been offered to have my floorboards stripped by an Afghan builder. No, they’re quite content with their lot.

Personally, I grew up with very strong beliefs, though I must admit that these days, like you’ve said about your own faith, it does have a tendency to “come and go”. But some of my nearest and dearest are Christians and they are truly wonderful people.

Where this country is concerned, Christianity has brought with it so many wonderful things that without it, we would have no concept of whatsoever, things straight from the mouth of Jesus Himself that I know you and your boys put into practise on a daily basis – like treating one another how we ourselves would like to be treated; like not judging others and being judge to oneself; like feeding the hungry; clothing the naked, giving to the poor, caring for the sick etc. OK, so perhaps this is not an exhaustive list and I know with some of the changes you’ve had to make to welfare (thanks to Labour *wink*) it’s meant that some of these Christian values do kind of “come and go”, but essentially, these values form the core of what you’re all about.

Though personally, you know I wouldn’t mind about the clothing thing. It’s certainly something I wouldn’t hold against you anyway.

Have a wonderful afternoon, my pea.


23rd April 2014


My wonder drug,

Did you read that ghastly thing about Oxfam yesterday, and how they’re being very mean about you and all of your cuts and things? I mean, you and I both know that it’s all true, and of course I am right behind you in the persecution of the plebs, but don’t people realise that it is for the greater good of the country, and will totally help us get ahead in the global race? How very dare they point out the obvious? Nobody wants their dirty laundry aired in public, but they seem to want the world to see your smalls.

I did smile fondly when I read the government spokesman’s response to Oxfam though, but I do need to ask – what are you on? Is it some kind of reverse truth serum? Because that response was priceless. It got me to thinking – speaking of dirty laundry – perhaps I could do something similar if my Mum visits and is appalled at the huge pile of washing that I have to do. Something along the lines of:

A spokesman for Katy Anchant rejected her Mother’s findings.

He said: “Katy has no washing to do, and for too long Labour encouraged Katy to do washing which created a state of dependency. There’s nothing clean or fresh-smelling about that.
“That’s why Katy is not doing washing. Not washing is the best route out of dirty clothes so we’re making sure it pays to ignore washing and supporting people into ignoring stains – with an extra 30 items of clothing entirely self-cleaning since 2010.

“We’re making the system fair to clothes and the washing machine, and a strong washing basket remains. We spend £94 a year on Febreze for washing-age people so those who don’t do washing can meet their basic needs.
“Our reforms are specifically designed to make stains entirely invisible – with school uniforms and underwear remaining entirely skid-free thanks to our 80in 3D widescreen flatscreen TV.”

Well, maybe it doesn’t make much sense, but if we’re telling fibs then why would it need to?

My love for you is like a red, red rose, except it smells of Bold 2-in-1.

Katy Anchant

PS. Smashing tan. Can’t wait to see your white bits. Bet they’re whiter than white.

22nd April 2014

Dearest man,

I was just about to say how much I hope you enjoyed your Easter break when I heard that some errant jellyfish had had the audacity to sting you in the Canaries! How very dare it? Does it not know who you are? You go and do the right thing, heeding the warnings of the locals, by getting your children out of the water, (after all, they are merely children of the Prime Minister so still quite susceptible to what befalls other mortals) and, as is your right, you dive right back in. Obviously, the marine life did not get the memo.

Still, you are alive to tell the tale, and that’s all that matters. And thank God. As it was probably He who rendered their stings non-lethal as you are, of course, needed for a much higher purpose and you so dutifully fulfil that role every day of your working life, you kind, selfless soul.

But they all just seem to want to attack you for it, this time for coming out and saying we’re a Christian country. Well, of course we are. OK, so most of us don’t go to church, gay people are getting married (thanks to you, my love), most economically active people are non-denominational, and people are far more likely to know the words to a Miley Cyrus song than the Lord’s Prayer, but in essence, yes, we are indeed a Christian country. How dare people attack you for being divisive? Well, of course you’re being divisive, darling, but only so you can get those last Christians to vote for you before they all die!

Even though it may seem a little disingenuous to bang the religious drum just as Ed Miliband comes out as an atheist and even though previously you said your faith was a little like Magic FM reception in the Chilterns – it comes and goes, it doesn’t mean you don’t now truly believe.

How indeed can there not be a God after everything you’ve been through? You become Prime Minister without winning an election, you then successfully manage to sell public property and services of which you and your friends vastly profit from on a daily basis, you manage to get said friends very highly paid jobs to do things they have absolutely none of the skills, qualifications or experience to do, you take money directly out of poor people’s pockets, hand it to the rich, and make them believe it’s all the previous government’s fault. Well, if that’s not divine intervention, then you must just be truly a miracle worker, Dave.

But darling, I know you’re not the Messiah, you’re just a very naughty boy.


Katy Anchant  






9th April 2014



Oh, my mourning sweetheart,

Poor, poor Maria.  How simply ghastly for her to have had to resign over her expenses scandal.  It hardly seems fair to me and you know what?  I bet it’s because she’s a gorgeous woman.  I mean, I know loads of people signed petitions for her to resign but I bet everyone who signed it was an ugly woman.  I mean, you didn’t see Giddy resigning over claiming over £100,000 to pay the interest-only mortgage on a house and separate paddock that he’d bought before he even became an MP, flipping his second home allowance to pay for an even larger mortgage and then selling it all off for a million pounds, or for being responsible for the slowest economic recovery in the whole history of the world; or IDS resigning after continuing to claim for employees he no longer had, claiming for things like food for his own kitchen, haircuts, a mirror for his flat and even underwear, or for famously giving his own wife a full-time salary for merely continuing to be his wife (I’d need a VERY high salary for that job), or for failing dismally at everything he’s ever done; and you certainly didn’t see anyone resigning over biscuit-gate.

You must be simply devastated darling, and I can understand why. It was only a few days ago you made a big show of solidarity and suggested everyone just let the matter be. This must be a touch embarrassing now. But I am glad she did do the honourable thing. To be honest, she was taking up far too much room on the news, claiming space that should really belong to your fine, upstanding, cherubic, schoolboy looks.

There’s also another silver lining, as her replacement Sajid Javid, happens to be one of Giddy’s trusted right-hand men. He’s also a huge Thatcher fan and is a multi-millionaire, so he won’t be in any danger of making any outrageous expenses claims seeing as he owns four properties already, including a £2 million pound house in Chelsea which he rents out and a £4 million pound mansion in Fulham. Unlike Mrs Miller, there’d be no desire for him to claim expenses to do silly frivolous things like house disabled parents. (Does this mean that if all the disabled people hit by the bedroom tax ‘resign’, they’ll be let off?)

I know I’ve offered before, but I am always available if there’s room in your own Office Costs Allowance for a “right-hand woman”. I have been told I’m pretty good with my left too. 

Think about it, my sweet.


Katy Anchant