18th March 2014


18th March 2014

Oh, poppet,

How deeply, deeply embarrassing for you that the Universal Job Match site is so crap. I read just yesterday about how it may end up being scrapped because of all the fraudulent, bogus crap that’s posted on it. How crap for you! Do you suppose you’ll be able to get a refund of the £17m (or is it now approaching £20m?) you spent on it? I do hope so, but if not, it’s only tax payer’s money so it doesn’t really matter, and I’m sure you can claw back the loss by sanctioning a few thousand plebs.

I suppose it will be a good thing to be able to save the £6m a year running costs associated with the site. It seems a bit steep if you ask me. I would happily make you a fake jobs website for fifty quid, and if you gave me the £6m instead I pledge to create six million zero hour contract jobs that will make unemployment a thing of the past, and I will also make you a very nice raspberry cheesecake with coulis.

If you just send me a blank cheque darling I’ll get on it straight away. No more horrible embarrassments for my baby, I simply won’t have it. Oh God, this doesn’t mean that Universal Credit is also crap, does it?! That would be really crap. Perhaps you should avoid calling things ‘Universal’ in the future. It does seem to come with some seriously crap luck.

Anyway, I’m sorry that the whole debacle is making you look a bit crap. Is there any way you can just blame the whole thing on IDS as everyone hates him anyway? Ooh, or maybe say that crappy Labour came up with the idea in the first place?

Yes, that would be believable. Blame it all on crap Gordon Brown.

Katy Anchant


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