27th March 2014

Hey sugar moobs,

You know, I got in big trouble after my last letter to you for not mentioning the wonderful tax cuts that hardworking people will enjoy as a result of the latest budget. The thing is though, that really, umm, it’s not much so I didn’t think it was really worth congratulating you on. In truth I was a little embarrassed on your behalf and didn’t want to draw attention to it.

In fact, these tax cuts have been nothing but a bit of a pain in my bum, since the folk I know who will benefit from it are having their housing benefit decreased accordingly. A perfect example is a good friend of mine (who I’ve mentioned before) who works full time as a carer (NVQ Level 3 qualified). The last time she was given a pay-rise, taking her up to the princely sum of £7.10 per hour, she called the Tax Credits folk and the housing benefit folk, and the extra £40 a month she would be earning was immediately deducted from her benefits. Unfortunately she’s now in a bit of a pickle. Her daughter is planning on moving out in September, which means my friend will be liable for the bed-umm-spare room subsidy. We did some maths and worked out that she will be left with around £20 a week to feed her and her teenage son.

I of course pointed out that she could simply transfer to a smaller house, but what is it with these people and their damn sentimentality? Having waited for five years in emergency housing, and then having maxed out a catalogue account to wallpaper and make her small council house beautiful (not to mention the strawberry plants) she refuses point blank to move. She would rather not eat.

Let me tell you though, it’s not a bad thing. She could do with dropping a few pounds and anyway, perhaps this would put some positive spin on the ol’ SRS, by citing it as a useful diet aid.

Funny, you know, I was just thinking the other night about her £7.10 per hour wage. My first ever office job when I was 18 and had no work experience whatsoever paid me £7.50 an hour. That was in the 90s. What a shame that Labour messed everything up so badly that you are forced to keep minimum wage so far below the cost of living. It must keep you awake at night, you poor, sweet, loving man.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter about my friend because she’s not even English. She turned to me and said: “This f**king government want to kill me, Katy,” to which I replied: “Bugger off back to Poland then. There’s no f**ker there because you’re all here stealing our jobs.” (Or so some of the popular press would have us believe.)

Katy Anchant

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20th March 2014

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/mar/20/grant-shapps-beer-and-bingo-working-class-toryism

Good morning my lovely,

You must congratulate Giddy for me for another fine Budget. You boys should all be congratulated in fact. You certainly have your finger of the pulse of what hardworking people really want – 10% off bingo tax and 1p off beer. The fact this will have no effect on actual bingo winnings and will mean the average drinker would have to consume about 350 pints to get one free is neither here nor there because the sentiment is what counts. You are helping hardworking people do what they enjoy doing most – getting wrecked at the bingo.

Of course, as a disabled pleb I can’t go to the bingo, but I’m sure it’s very popular. I’m quite sure you’ve definitely struck a chord with a large proportion of the electorate. I may not know anybody who actually does bingo, but I wouldn’t take that to mean anything, I mean I know only a few thousand people, what do I know?

And don’t pay any mind to the whole furore that’s erupted over Twitter – the fact that Grant Shapps’ tweet “to help hardworking people do more of the things they enjoy” was treated as satire because it was thought that not even a Tory could be so out of touch, is pretty inconsequential because nobody uses Twitter, right?

Fancy a pint after work at the local Mecca, darling? What’s the closest one to Whitehall?

 

Katy Anchant

18th March 2014

http://www.theguardian.com/money/2014/mar/16/dwp-jobs-website-universal-jobsmatch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Universal_Jobmatch
http://johnnyvoid.wordpress.com/2013/11/19/universal-jobmatch-wins-worst-website-award/

18th March 2014

Oh, poppet,

How deeply, deeply embarrassing for you that the Universal Job Match site is so crap. I read just yesterday about how it may end up being scrapped because of all the fraudulent, bogus crap that’s posted on it. How crap for you! Do you suppose you’ll be able to get a refund of the £17m (or is it now approaching £20m?) you spent on it? I do hope so, but if not, it’s only tax payer’s money so it doesn’t really matter, and I’m sure you can claw back the loss by sanctioning a few thousand plebs.

I suppose it will be a good thing to be able to save the £6m a year running costs associated with the site. It seems a bit steep if you ask me. I would happily make you a fake jobs website for fifty quid, and if you gave me the £6m instead I pledge to create six million zero hour contract jobs that will make unemployment a thing of the past, and I will also make you a very nice raspberry cheesecake with coulis.

If you just send me a blank cheque darling I’ll get on it straight away. No more horrible embarrassments for my baby, I simply won’t have it. Oh God, this doesn’t mean that Universal Credit is also crap, does it?! That would be really crap. Perhaps you should avoid calling things ‘Universal’ in the future. It does seem to come with some seriously crap luck.

Anyway, I’m sorry that the whole debacle is making you look a bit crap. Is there any way you can just blame the whole thing on IDS as everyone hates him anyway? Ooh, or maybe say that crappy Labour came up with the idea in the first place?

Yes, that would be believable. Blame it all on crap Gordon Brown.

Katy Anchant

14th March 2014

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/tony-benn-dead-warm-in-his-friendships-harsh-in-his-judgements–and-blessed-with-an-obstinacy-that-was-magnificent-9191816.html
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/statement-on-death-of-tony-benn

**100% satire – Tony Benn was a great, great man**

14th March 2014

Hi handsome,

I woke this morning to the news that Mr Benn has died at home, aged 88. My initial reaction was “how can a 1970s cartoon character die?” and wondered if it was going to be one of those Brian Griffin stunts to get viewer ratings up, but then realised that it was Tony Benn that everyone was talking about, who was apparently a left-wing chap, who was arguably the most popular politician ever.

Hang on a minute though, I thought you were the most popular politician ever. You certainly are in my household, and the fact that you are quoted in a statement regarding Tony as saying “There was never a dull moment listening to him, even when you disagreed with everything he said,” makes me think that in fact you disagreed with everything he said. And everything that you say, darling, is right.

For this reason I am not wearing a black dress and veil today, and am instead going to wear that leopard-print bikini that you like so much.

Ciao for now, lover.

Katy Anchant

12th March 2014

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-26531807
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/david-camerons-war-green-cp-3232216
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/starving-families-forced-give-back-3199215

12th March 2014

My darling pumpkin seed,

Don’t you get frightfully bored of politics? I mean, I know it’s your job and all, but no one likes to take work home with them. That’s why I want to write to you today and not mention any “green crap” or anything to do with Clause 119 (brilliant idea by the way). All I want to tell you today is how much I love you, and how you are the best and most handsomest PM that this country has ever known. And the youngest. And you have the best hair of any of your cabinet. And you have proven beyond any doubt that good breeding and money produce the best looking men, because Brad Pitt has nothing on you, you stud muffin. If you think about it, in a way you are running your own Fight Club , because the first rule of Tory policy is don’t talk about Tory policy, or rather, don’t tell the truth about Tory policy. Or rather, don’t try to question Tory policy because it’s perfect.

Speaking of your gorgeousness, I was watching a programme recently about botched plastic surgery procedures. Have you ever considered having some work done on IDS? It’s no wonder he’s always so miserable and constantly trying to kill people. The poor dear has no hair, and I can only guess that being in your beautiful presence with your beautiful hair makes him feel inadequate.

Anyway, back to my original point which is that politics get in the way of our love. Shall I book us a European city break this weekend? We can forget all about those folk who are having to return food to food banks because they can’t afford to cook it. Perhaps Brussels? It would be nice to visit there without having to deal with any of that EU shit.

Katy Anchant

6th March 2014

Dearly beloved,

You know, one of the problems of having a dual class standing – both established middle class (thanks to giant mortgage and listening to jazz) and disabled pleb – is that I have lots of pleb friends.  I was visited by one just the other day who is in a horrible predicament of having absolutely no money.  She’s a highly qualified care worker who specialises in dementia, but because she’s a pleb and doesn’t know how to wrap cheese up, she barely has two pennies to rub together.  Of course, for all of her educational accomplishment, she earns the princely sum of £7.10 an hour so actually brings home under a grand a month.  She clearly needs a good sit down with IDS who could explain to her that it’s easy to live on £7.57 a day if you have to, and then she’d have loads and loads of disposable income.

I must admit I was a little shocked by her hourly wage, but I must make it absolutely clear that I do not believe she should receive a ‘living wage’ – the very idea is preposterous.  The care home she works in is owned by a couple who own seven or eight care homes, and charge residents £4,000 a month to live there.  The home in which my friend works houses 53, which means they couldn’t possibly afford to up her wage even if they wanted to.

Anyway, I advised her to try to get a job with OH Assist, perhaps assessing people with spinal injuries as a speciality

Katy Anchant