25th February 2014


My sweet prince,

I have noticed recently that you and your boys seem to have suffered a good week-long bout of honestly. And may I just say how refreshing it is.

Atos, your trusted minions in charge of the work capability assessments have been rather honest and admitted that even the half a billion they make from the WCA contract isn’t quite enough to ease their consciences from taking part in the cull of the sick and disabled – sometimes having them collapse right there in their offices right under the noses of their ‘medical professionals’ as happened last month to a 48-year old man who died hours after his assessment. To their credit though, they didn’t find him fit to work.

And there’s you my darling. Your honesty knows no bounds. I saw another rather dapper picture of you this morning under a headline that said you’ve made a pledge that there will be no more coalition deals made after the next election. I can see why, what with all the technical problems you’ve had with the “Cleggbot”. No, you have stated that should there be another hung parliament, you will simply rule as a minority. Now darling, even though I do see that this is far more desirable (and in a sense, this is already happening right now anyway, you omnipotent man you), I’m not sure that it’s altogether legal that you can just declare yourself leader. Oh well, I guess you can always change that law. Have IDS look into it, he’s quite good at arbitrarily getting laws changed.

Speaking of Baldy, (a term I use affectionately you understand), he seems to be the only one letting the side down with his particularly singular disability categorised by compulsive lying, bless him. He’s been reprimanded again by the UK Statistics Authority for making things up, again. He’s said that only one in ten people found fit for work have their decision overturned, when the real figure is much higher. The original figure doesn’t take into account all the reversals that take place before it gets as far as the tribunal stage. His answer to this is just genius if you don’t mind me saying: he wants to now charge people for disputing the decision! So once their benefits have been stopped and they’re left utterly penniless, they then have to pay for an appeal! It’s a little like having your handbag and purse stolen and the mugger then saying you can have them back for a few hundred quid. That should save a bob or two.

And Giddy, in his bout of honesty, has come out all in favour of changing the ‘misleading’ name of National Insurance to something a lot more honest, “Earnings Tax”. Funny, I thought that “tax” was “Earnings Tax”. I can see how the original name could be deemed misleading though. The original purpose of the tax was to pay for the benefits system and state pension, hence the term ‘insurance’ – a levy one pays in the event of something awful happening – but seeing as that benefits system is quickly becoming extinct (with 900,000 people being sanctioned in one year alone, the highest amount ever) it stands to reason that the ‘safety net’ should be more properly renamed ‘the floor’.

Love always from the gutter, darling.

Katy Anchant


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