18th February 2014
Hello honey bun,
How marvellous that the flooding thing is happening!
Don’t get me wrong, of course it must be absolutely monstrous for the poor people who have to watch the telly in their wellies, but how utterly delicious for you to be able to blame another thing on Labour. Such a clever man, you, for making your very own Ed Pickles apologise for not dredging rivers, knowing full well that that would allow you to put the blame for the floods on Labour who paused dredging in the 1990s.
Of course, the fact that you made massive cuts to flood defence and climate change measures since coming to power is not even going to get a look in now. And I also read a very interesting article the other day about how the government are, by their own hand, worsening the flooding by refusing farmers grants to plant trees (one of the best defences against floods), withholding money from farmers who have trees, and actually providing grants to farmers to clear the land of trees, so that homes on the immediate slopes can now be safely washed away. Oh well, stupid place to live if you ask me.
And the floods are also such a great way of drowning out all that unwanted news: like the news of some Labour MP passing a bill to scrap the Bedroom Tax by 226 votes to just 1 (such a good job that these votes count for pretty much sod-all); like the new statistics that just came out of the DWP that show that the use of ‘last resort’ sanctions have soared and of the hundreds of thousands of ESA claimants sanctioned, 85% had never been sanctioned before; like the results of a new survey that revealed that of the 522,000 people affected by the Bedroom Tax, two thirds of them are now in rent arrears and one in seven have been threatened with eviction.
Still, even if that stuff did get some air time, it’s hardly going to raise an eyebrow. It’s just the poor people and, to be honest, they’re hardly going to vote for you anyway. And although this news is likely to be ammunition for Labour to show these policies aren’t working, you and I know that it means completely the opposite, my darling. They’re working like a bloody charm. People are coming off benefits and the poor people are being removed from prime real estate. What are they complaining about? You’re doing a fine job, my love. Keep it up.
And also well done on getting your Cleggbot reprogrammed. I did suspect Nick wasn’t entirely human anymore when I couldn’t find any pictures of him in his wellies. Couldn’t really afford to get him wet now, could we? Did you know he accused Labour of being “single-handedly responsible” for the 2008 worldwide financial crisis? It’s a little like saying Louie Spence is “single-handedly responsible” for homosexuality.
Dripping with love,