6th February 2014


Hope you are chilled out, sweet one,

Hypothermia, rickets, scurvy. Apparently A&E departments have been seeing a rise in people attending for treatment of cold-related conditions and other illnesses relating to poverty. Well darling, I don’t know what they expect quite frankly. If they WILL go and spend all of their money on tattoos is it any wonder they are malnourished? As for the cold, why don’t they put another jumper on? To me darling it seems like some kind of a twisted publicity stunt to make you look bad, but let me assure you that they are just reaffirming the fact that they are not managing their money properly and should be sanctioned. Perhaps you should close more A&E departments, too, for good measure.

In other news though, Millipede has accused you of failing women! How very dare he! I mean, okay, you don’t have that many birds working for you and you’d like to get the figure up to 33% (50% would be WAY too much), but let’s be honest here for a minute. Women aren’t that good at politics with their nurturing ways and bleeding hearts, and it takes a tough girl like our Theresa to make the disabled cull seem like a good idea.

You could always get Katie Hopkins to come and work for you. I saw her on that awful debate with all of those chavs and benefit claimants, and she and Edwina were the only two who made any sense with their personal attacks, talking over people and generally making bloody good Conservative sense. If you had Katie as one of your frontbenchers the deficit would be gone in a matter of minutes, as almost every unemployed person would starve to death. Which, let’s face it, would be fabulous. If you don’t pay taxes you really are a complete waste of space after all, unless you are a corporation or have an offshore account.

Don’t forget I need a job too darling. I’d look great on the front bench and I would clap and sing “Yay! Yay! Woohoo!” at everything that you said and “Put a f**king sock in it you union scum!” to everything that Millipede said. What should I wear?

Katy Anchant


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