25th February 2014


My sweet prince,

I have noticed recently that you and your boys seem to have suffered a good week-long bout of honestly. And may I just say how refreshing it is.

Atos, your trusted minions in charge of the work capability assessments have been rather honest and admitted that even the half a billion they make from the WCA contract isn’t quite enough to ease their consciences from taking part in the cull of the sick and disabled – sometimes having them collapse right there in their offices right under the noses of their ‘medical professionals’ as happened last month to a 48-year old man who died hours after his assessment. To their credit though, they didn’t find him fit to work.

And there’s you my darling. Your honesty knows no bounds. I saw another rather dapper picture of you this morning under a headline that said you’ve made a pledge that there will be no more coalition deals made after the next election. I can see why, what with all the technical problems you’ve had with the “Cleggbot”. No, you have stated that should there be another hung parliament, you will simply rule as a minority. Now darling, even though I do see that this is far more desirable (and in a sense, this is already happening right now anyway, you omnipotent man you), I’m not sure that it’s altogether legal that you can just declare yourself leader. Oh well, I guess you can always change that law. Have IDS look into it, he’s quite good at arbitrarily getting laws changed.

Speaking of Baldy, (a term I use affectionately you understand), he seems to be the only one letting the side down with his particularly singular disability categorised by compulsive lying, bless him. He’s been reprimanded again by the UK Statistics Authority for making things up, again. He’s said that only one in ten people found fit for work have their decision overturned, when the real figure is much higher. The original figure doesn’t take into account all the reversals that take place before it gets as far as the tribunal stage. His answer to this is just genius if you don’t mind me saying: he wants to now charge people for disputing the decision! So once their benefits have been stopped and they’re left utterly penniless, they then have to pay for an appeal! It’s a little like having your handbag and purse stolen and the mugger then saying you can have them back for a few hundred quid. That should save a bob or two.

And Giddy, in his bout of honesty, has come out all in favour of changing the ‘misleading’ name of National Insurance to something a lot more honest, “Earnings Tax”. Funny, I thought that “tax” was “Earnings Tax”. I can see how the original name could be deemed misleading though. The original purpose of the tax was to pay for the benefits system and state pension, hence the term ‘insurance’ – a levy one pays in the event of something awful happening – but seeing as that benefits system is quickly becoming extinct (with 900,000 people being sanctioned in one year alone, the highest amount ever) it stands to reason that the ‘safety net’ should be more properly renamed ‘the floor’.

Love always from the gutter, darling.

Katy Anchant


18th February 2014


18th February 2014

Hello honey bun,

How marvellous that the flooding thing is happening!

Don’t get me wrong, of course it must be absolutely monstrous for the poor people who have to watch the telly in their wellies, but how utterly delicious for you to be able to blame another thing on Labour. Such a clever man, you, for making your very own Ed Pickles apologise for not dredging rivers, knowing full well that that would allow you to put the blame for the floods on Labour who paused dredging in the 1990s.

Of course, the fact that you made massive cuts to flood defence and climate change measures since coming to power is not even going to get a look in now. And I also read a very interesting article the other day about how the government are, by their own hand, worsening the flooding by refusing farmers grants to plant trees (one of the best defences against floods), withholding money from farmers who have trees, and actually providing grants to farmers to clear the land of trees, so that homes on the immediate slopes can now be safely washed away. Oh well, stupid place to live if you ask me.

And the floods are also such a great way of drowning out all that unwanted news: like the news of some Labour MP passing a bill to scrap the Bedroom Tax by 226 votes to just 1 (such a good job that these votes count for pretty much sod-all); like the new statistics that just came out of the DWP that show that the use of ‘last resort’ sanctions have soared and of the hundreds of thousands of ESA claimants sanctioned, 85% had never been sanctioned before; like the results of a new survey that revealed that of the 522,000 people affected by the Bedroom Tax, two thirds of them are now in rent arrears and one in seven have been threatened with eviction.

Still, even if that stuff did get some air time, it’s hardly going to raise an eyebrow. It’s just the poor people and, to be honest, they’re hardly going to vote for you anyway. And although this news is likely to be ammunition for Labour to show these policies aren’t working, you and I know that it means completely the opposite, my darling. They’re working like a bloody charm. People are coming off benefits and the poor people are being removed from prime real estate. What are they complaining about? You’re doing a fine job, my love. Keep it up.

And also well done on getting your Cleggbot reprogrammed. I did suspect Nick wasn’t entirely human anymore when I couldn’t find any pictures of him in his wellies. Couldn’t really afford to get him wet now, could we? Did you know he accused Labour of being “single-handedly responsible” for the 2008 worldwide financial crisis? It’s a little like saying Louie Spence is “single-handedly responsible” for homosexuality.

Dripping with love,

Katy Anchant

10th February 2014

Folk might have been wondering why there have been so few letters recently. It’s because I have been working on this. I was originally going to have it as a free download from SoundCloud, but then thought that it would be so great if I could fundraise a few pounds for a worthy cause. I worked with The Biscuit Fund a few times in the past and the work they do is amazing. Also, they’re like totally registered and stuff so they won’t even steal your money for HobNobs.

My apologies in advance for how sad the song and video are. I’ve just felt for so long that I needed to express my sadness about the ordinary people whose deaths were contributed to (or made more painful than necessary) by this horrible government. It was a hard song to record, and it was even harder to do the video to it.

9th January 2014


Flower of my heart,

Oh, darling, can you forgive me for how long it’s been? The Computer God (Our Hard Drive, which art internal, Volume C by name, thy code be clean, thy fonts be seen, on screen as they are on paper etc) has continued to be rather unkind to me, and don’t even get me started on the half blindness.

I hear that our Georgie is at it again and wants to bring in more cuts. Bloody marvellous! I particularly like the possibility of Housing Benefit being cut for under-25s. Honestly, in the prime of their lives, sitting around watching Jeremy Kyle all day. If they want to do that they should stay home with their Mums and stop being such a drain on society. Presuming they have Mums. Failing that, they should all go and move into one of those millions of spare bedrooms that people have been so selfishly collecting over the years. What a f**king liberty!

Only last week I read about a rather ungrateful 28-year old mother of a disabled girl who couldn’t walk or talk who had been told that she now needed to pay £570 per year in bedroom tax, (sorry, I meant ‘spare room subsidy’) for her child’s specially modified sensory room or lose her home. Personally, I don’t see the problem. Clear out the room of all those flashing lights and ghastly plastic balls, move in some young striver who will pay proper rent, and keep the kid in the corner of some other room. I mean, it’s not like she’d be able to complain! Plus, the mother would still be able to claim benefits for that child. So as long as she can keep her alive, she’d be laughing. Win/win!

Oh, and by the way, congratulations to your hairdresser for being awarded an MBE for ‘services to hairdressing’. How wonderfully yay! I didn’t even know that was a ‘thing’! Does that mean I can award my daughter an award for services to Lego? Or could I have one for services to ‘PM morale’? He may have sorted out your parting darling, but you know I could do a lot more than that for you.

Send a car when you can, poppet.

Katy Anchant

29th January 2014


Good morning, you beautiful man,

I just wanted to write and let you know you still have my full support. You see, I was starting to get slightly worried that perhaps people thought I was being derogatory or sarcastic and I’d have to stop writing, just like those parody Twitter accounts that got shut down today, coincidentally at the same time the new gagging laws have come into force. No, darling, I am sincerely here for you because I understand you.

You’re prepared to do what it takes to help people, to make people feel useful again, to get them into the workplace with a spring in their step – like all those victims of the recession made redundant in their fifties, now on the Work Programme finding value in their lives again by making full use of their lifetime of knowledge and experience by helping to clean toilets in the hopes that they may one day be doubly rewarded by actually getting paid to do so.

You’re prepared to pay firms running the Work Programme vast sums of money for every person they manage to get into work and introduce measures that force the threatening of Job Centre staff with disciplinary action if they fail to sanction enough people on benefits. But I know it’s not for your figures you’re doing it for, it’s for the hardworking people of this country.

It can be highly frustrating when people just don’t understand how much better off they are. The figures show that unemployment is down, the deficit is coming down, household earnings are rising faster than inflation and the growth forecasts are doubling. So what if this is the slowest recession recovery in history and that, taking benefit cuts into account, incomes are down by around £1,600 per year on average, Britain is recovering.

And this is largely down to you, my love. You, and the dedicated servants of the DWP, like ATOS, (whose boss, on £44k a week, recently pointed out that people were generally satisfied with the service they provide despite the tens of thousands of deaths linked with their work capability assessments) who makes sure Britain lives within its means. After all, even though some would have us believe that it was the greed and the ineptitude of the world’s financial institutions that put us in this mess, it was really benefit fraudsters and Labour. You’ve been saying it for so long, it just must be true, darling.

Just yesterday, a dear friend of mine commented on how many more beggars and rough sleepers have appeared on our streets recently. It made her feel sad, but for me, it was more like nostalgia. Growing up in the Thatcher years and in its aftermath, I for one felt that the less fortunate and the destitute gave people a real sense of community and I, for one, am glad you are re-introducing this for a new generation. You are truly a remarkable man.

Take care of yourself, my lovely.

Katy Anchant

6th February 2014


Hope you are chilled out, sweet one,

Hypothermia, rickets, scurvy. Apparently A&E departments have been seeing a rise in people attending for treatment of cold-related conditions and other illnesses relating to poverty. Well darling, I don’t know what they expect quite frankly. If they WILL go and spend all of their money on tattoos is it any wonder they are malnourished? As for the cold, why don’t they put another jumper on? To me darling it seems like some kind of a twisted publicity stunt to make you look bad, but let me assure you that they are just reaffirming the fact that they are not managing their money properly and should be sanctioned. Perhaps you should close more A&E departments, too, for good measure.

In other news though, Millipede has accused you of failing women! How very dare he! I mean, okay, you don’t have that many birds working for you and you’d like to get the figure up to 33% (50% would be WAY too much), but let’s be honest here for a minute. Women aren’t that good at politics with their nurturing ways and bleeding hearts, and it takes a tough girl like our Theresa to make the disabled cull seem like a good idea.

You could always get Katie Hopkins to come and work for you. I saw her on that awful debate with all of those chavs and benefit claimants, and she and Edwina were the only two who made any sense with their personal attacks, talking over people and generally making bloody good Conservative sense. If you had Katie as one of your frontbenchers the deficit would be gone in a matter of minutes, as almost every unemployed person would starve to death. Which, let’s face it, would be fabulous. If you don’t pay taxes you really are a complete waste of space after all, unless you are a corporation or have an offshore account.

Don’t forget I need a job too darling. I’d look great on the front bench and I would clap and sing “Yay! Yay! Woohoo!” at everything that you said and “Put a f**king sock in it you union scum!” to everything that Millipede said. What should I wear?

Katy Anchant