10th January 2014
OMG darling, totes hilar!
Just after sending yesterday’s letter to you, I came across an article about the recent MP debate on the cost of haircuts. Apparently most of them spend £13-£20 on a haircut, while you spend £90. Darling, while I do think you have the most wonderful hair in the land, full of body and shine, I’d have to say that I could do just as good a job for you and I would only charge you £1.10, or one Pantene as the plebs would say.
You see, I cut all of my householders’ hair. The children, the dogs, myself (although of course I do occasionally get a free posh cut from my gay best friend – works in the fashion industry, cuts hair, does am dram, you know the type). I estimate that by cutting my own hair or getting it done for free, and cutting everyone else’s hair, I save, based on the cost of your haircuts, around £25,000,000 a year. Give it some thought, my love.
Talking of the cost of haircuts, I was reading the UK official earnings list, and was delighted to see that those lazy fire fighters, nurses, carers and undertakers are still earning a very poor wage. Seriously, had they wanted to earn good money why did they not choose a career doing something USEFUL? I was very upset that MPs still earn less than those lazy doctors, too, but thankfully Ipsa are planning on sorting that injustice out in 2015. (And may I say you have made yourself look AWESOME by saying that it’s a bad idea. You and I both know that it’s only right that you get 11% pay rises as there’s obviously a huge pot of money sitting around since no one else has had a pay rise in five years. GREAT job protesting it though. “No no, none for me! I insist! Oh, maybe just one then.”)
I clearly need a job at Ipsa. And so does my gay best friend. He hardly has any Gucci since the recession hit and is beside himself. Ooh, maybe if you aren’t happy with the haircut that I do for you, you could meet up with him. The most he’d ever charge would be £89. Maybe you could even recommend him to some of your friends, maybe Iain Duncan Smith. Ah, wait…