23rd January 2014

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/liverpool-council-report-david-cameron-3031436
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/police-demand-use-water-cannons-3051590

23rd January 2014

Hi babe,

Oh, bum bum! Liverpool Council are apparently reporting you to the United Nations because you could be breaking international laws on keeping people out of poverty! Obviously they’re all leftie weirdos who are worried about their Mums being sanctioned or something – the very cheek of it. At least it’s only Liverpool and I’m sure they won’t be taken seriously. After all, it’s Liverpool. Do they even have running water there?

As for all of these people living in poverty, you can almost guarantee that none of them are even trying to get jobs, and without a doubt no one affected by poverty is actually in work already. And how much do you want to bet that these poverty stricken people have flatscreen TVs? Okay, so you can’t actually buy non-flatscreen tellies any more (I think a lot of the old fat ones have broken by now – I know mine did several years ago), and most of them have probably had to open a dodgy catalogue account to get one in the first place, but still. People who are poor simply shouldn’t have tellies, end of. I’ve gone off topic haven’t I? Forgive me darling, but I get so cross about these ‘poor’ (read: ‘lazy and stupid’) people complaining about stuff.

Anyway, hopefully the police will soon be able to use water cannons to deal with austerity protests. I’d say try them first on the Labour nuts in Liverpool, and maybe some benefit claimants for good measure, just to keep them in their places, and especially the claimants with flatscreen TVs.

What do you reckon darling?

Katy Anchant

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14th January 2014

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25726621
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-25723682
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25575964

14th January 2014

My beloved witty opener,

I am so thrilled for you! Inflation is down and is exactly where you wanted it to be. This is such wonderful news, and all the more wonderful because it’s been caused by a slow-down in food prices, particularly meat and fruit. Okay, so bread now costs about five times what it did a couple of years ago, and I personally couldn’t comment on the price of fruit and meat because I daren’t look at the prices nowadays and always buy the value stuff, but go you! Yay!

You’ve got to laugh at Millipede’s timing, haven’t you? He’s just come out with some drivel about middle class families facing a crisis of confidence over living standards, but as ever, you sexy thing, you just bat that piece of bullsh*t right back at him. Where’s the crisis? Steak only went up to £8 last month! And as for his assertion that “their children’s prospects must also be urgently addressed”, what on Earth is he on about now? Thanks to IDS every single child in this country has a wonderful future, because even if they can’t get a job, or at least one that they actually quite like, they will get to go and do workfare and gain rich and wonderful experiences in the workplace.

Plus also, you know, I’m pretty middle class myself and I simply cannot wait to have my children living at home until they’re nearly middle aged, working hard and getting on, saving two years’ full salary as a deposit and another half a year’s salary for Stamp Duty (while I continue to pay for their clothes and do their haircuts for them). It’s that kind of thing that keeps families close, my darling, and I for one have every confidence in everything that you ever say or do, because you are utterly superb, beautiful and wonderful.

My daughter says “Hi!”

Katy Anchant

11th January 2014

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/new-nhs-drugs-policy-could-see-elderly-denied-treatment-9050297.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25689877
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-24273838

11th January 2014

Apple of my eye,

How utterly inspired! In the wake of Georgie wanting to cut more spending, there are now talks of denying people who are not of benefit to society any new drugs! There are fears that this may mean the elderly are denied treatment, but I simply cannot see why that is a problem. Okay, so Auntie Doris paid taxes for 50 years, but she’s not paying them NOW, is she? If she gets a leg ulcer she should of course be sent home with a tube of Germolene and a wire brush instead of any newly developed treatments.

I wonder, would this also be rolled out to disabled or mentally ill folk who are also not of ‘benefit to society’? I mean, that wheelchair bound cancer sufferer who’s too unwell to work might be a beacon of positivity in their local community and much loved and respected, but they don’t pay any taxes, do they? Not like our beloved bankers do. I’m SO glad you are still fighting to get them the uncapped bonuses they so clearly deserve.

Honestly darling, I’m starting to think the country is going completely mad and you and your friends are the only ones trying to stop this runaway train of public spending. I think it is completely fair for you to start a cull on non-profit-making individuals. After all, these leftie scum are almost always poor with their humanitarian attitudes and bleeding hearts and consideration for life instead of money. Bring back fox hunting and mount the badger heads on the walls of Parliament, just like the old days.

Fancy a game of Twister? I’m very bendy.

Katy Anchant

10th January 2014

http://www.home.bt.com/news/latestnews/mps-debate-cost-of-cuts-to-hair-11363865538650
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/uk-average-salary-26500-figures-3002995
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-25287108

10th January 2014

OMG darling, totes hilar!

Just after sending yesterday’s letter to you, I came across an article about the recent MP debate on the cost of haircuts. Apparently most of them spend £13-£20 on a haircut, while you spend £90. Darling, while I do think you have the most wonderful hair in the land, full of body and shine, I’d have to say that I could do just as good a job for you and I would only charge you £1.10, or one Pantene as the plebs would say.

You see, I cut all of my householders’ hair. The children, the dogs, myself (although of course I do occasionally get a free posh cut from my gay best friend – works in the fashion industry, cuts hair, does am dram, you know the type). I estimate that by cutting my own hair or getting it done for free, and cutting everyone else’s hair, I save, based on the cost of your haircuts, around £25,000,000 a year. Give it some thought, my love.

Talking of the cost of haircuts, I was reading the UK official earnings list, and was delighted to see that those lazy fire fighters, nurses, carers and undertakers are still earning a very poor wage. Seriously, had they wanted to earn good money why did they not choose a career doing something USEFUL? I was very upset that MPs still earn less than those lazy doctors, too, but thankfully Ipsa are planning on sorting that injustice out in 2015. (And may I say you have made yourself look AWESOME by saying that it’s a bad idea. You and I both know that it’s only right that you get 11% pay rises as there’s obviously a huge pot of money sitting around since no one else has had a pay rise in five years. GREAT job protesting it though. “No no, none for me! I insist! Oh, maybe just one then.”)

I clearly need a job at Ipsa. And so does my gay best friend. He hardly has any Gucci since the recession hit and is beside himself. Ooh, maybe if you aren’t happy with the haircut that I do for you, you could meet up with him. The most he’d ever charge would be £89. Maybe you could even recommend him to some of your friends, maybe Iain Duncan Smith. Ah, wait…

Katy Anchant