17th December 2015


Debonair Dave,

I must apologise, my darling. Hampered with computer problems such as I am, I’ve not had as much opportunity to write as often as I’d like. I do hope you’re well though, and that you and the family are enjoying the nearly-holiday season.

I’ve been determined to make the most of it this year, what with the generous souls at the big energy companies determined to bring families closer together by hiking up their heating bills. So I found myself cuddled up on the sofa with my two little ones the other night watching an old favourite film of mine, “Liar, Liar”, when it occurred to me, how utterly delicious it would be for all the lefties if one day the curse of not being able to lie was fraught upon your unsuspecting cabinet.

There would be utter panic at the DWP when suddenly in a televised interview, Iain is given a question on Universal Credit and is forced to slap a hand over his own mouth while desperately trying not to shout “I know I said Universal Credit would make work pay but the truth is many people will find that they’ll actually earn more working part time than full time! In fact, 400,000 working families will have less income under Universal Credit in 2015 than they did in 2010!” And then when asked about benefit sanctions, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself blurting out, “Yes, staff at job centres are told that if they don’t sanction enough people, there’ll be formally disciplined and Atos ‘medical professionals’ are given clear ratios they have to meet that mean 97% of disabled people undergoing its assessment are put into the category of ‘expecting to recover within two years’. This includes people with incurable or degenerative conditions like cystic fibrosis, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s, rheumatoid arthritis or cerebral palsy! I…. CAN’T…. LIE!”

Theresa May would fair no better, poor thing. When asked about her changes to immigration policy she would not be able to help herself spewing: “My immigration cap idea is unachievable, completely illegal and will cost the UK billions of pounds. As far as my new visa restrictions are concerned, in an effort to save the taxpayer money, I’m actually going to lose the UK a further £850 million over ten years as a result of me setting an income benchmark for any Briton wishing to bring their spouse into the country which excludes 47% of Britain’s working population. In fact, my policies are likely to break up 17,800 families EVERY year! BUT…  I…. DON’T…. CARE!!!!”

And I dread to think what would happen if you were struck down with the dreaded curse yourself, my dear. You’d find yourself standing in the middle of the Commons unable to contain yourself. “Labour didn’t wreck our economy. Rich people did! And I have to blame it on the poor because the last thing I want to do is make the real perpetrators pay because I’m going to need their help in 2015! The GODDAMN PEN IS BLUE!!!”

You know I’m joking, of course, don’t you darling? Will you be in my movie?


Katy Anchant


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