12th December 2013


Disarming Dave,

My darling, I must admit to being a little disappointed when I read the headline that said you had a ‘little black book’. But it seems it’s all okay because apparently it’s just full of policies you couldn’t put into action because of those meddling Lib Dems; policies like: inheritance tax cuts for millionaires; the re-introduction of O-levels; the ditching of the Human Rights Act; schools being run by profit-making businesses; the ability for firms to sack workers at will; the increase in childcare ratios; the withdrawal of benefits for under 25s; and the ‘snooper’s charter’ – a law which would allow the government to keep a record of every website you visit and everyone you stalk on Facebook.

I do feel for you. Okay, so you didn’t get a majority at the last election but are you the Prime Minister or are you the Prime Minister, for heaven’s sake? How can you make this world a better place when you have a Clegg around your neck? How can you transform the culture of this great country into one that values the needed, not the needy; that treasures the useful, not the useless; that rewards ability, not disability.

Still, at least it seems Labour has your back. Okay, so they may heckle everything you say, but it’s largely down to them that Giddy was allowed to make such an extraordinary move as to announce an overall spending cap on benefits in his Autumn Statement, because Labour announced they’d do the same thing not long ago.

I must admit, I’m finding it a little difficult to get my head around this one. Not that I don’t think it’s a genius idea, I’m just slightly curious as to how it would work? So, as from 2015, there will only be a finite amount of money in the benefits kitty for everything but pensions and Jobseekers’ Allowance. This means that tax credits, child benefits, maternity pay, income support, you name it, when the limit is reached, the payments will just stop? And by far the biggest expense, housing benefit, is also being capped. So as rents go up and up, the housing benefit limit will inevitably force the useless scroungers on to the street or into emergency housing, although, no, that’s probably fallen under the cap too. So, just on to the street then! And why not? It’ll be a return to the good old days of the Thatcher government that saw sleeping bags in shop doorways and schools held together with cardboard and masking tape, though actually that probably wouldn’t happen if you boys had it your way and schools were being sponsored by Starbucks or McDonalds.

Anyway, I realise how busy you are, what with trade visits, special appearances, interviews and the like, so I don’t mind that it’s been almost a year since I had a formal reply from you, but I am buoyed by the thought that you do indeed keep them, albeit tucked away in a secret drawer. So whenever those pesky Lib Dems are in danger of making you go all soft, you can have a shuffle through them to harden your resolve.

All my love, poppet.

Katy Anchant