5th December 2013


Distinguished Dave,

George delivered his Autumn Statement today and with a huge smile on his face too seeing as it’s the first time he’s ever had to speak as chancellor without having to give downgraded economic predictions. Incredibly, he announced today that the UK is growing faster than any other major economy. (Isn’t it wonderful what a really small dataset can do for a speech?)

Again, what is predicted for the UK, and the measures taken to achieve these goals, is wonderful or completely awful depending on who’s reporting it, For example: business rates and NI are being cut to encourage employment, yet some people will now have to work until 70 which dramatically drops the rate of vacancies in the workplace; growth forecasts have more than doubled, yet because it’s been flatline for three years in the slowest recovery in one hundred years, it’s hardly something to write a musical about; and with the massive cuts in spending set to continue, the UK may even be in surplus again in 2018, yet people will be worse off in 2015 than they were in 2010. You see it’s all very glass is half empty but I prefer to focus on the positive: like you winning business for the UK yet again with a £45m deal with China for our pig semen.

I’m glad China recognises, like the world always did, that for breeding, Britain are hands down the number one for pigs.  While I was reading the article yesterday a friend came in and said: “How does one extract semen from pigs?”  I said: “I think they mostly, umm, play with them.  You remember like Rebecca Loos did, and everyone thought she was a wanton hussy for not only having an affair with David Beckham but for then masturbating a pig on TV?”

No, apparently my friend does not remember the incident.  (Why everyone thought so badly of her is beyond me.  I mean, most women have given someone called Dave a blowjob. *wink* No darling, not because women are all floozies or because Dave is a popular name, but because chaps called Dave are almost always dashing, charismatic and pretty much irresistible to the female of the species.)  I then went on to explain that while there are synthetic pig vaginas, it’s generally far better and more efficient if done by the ‘gloved hand’ method. 

That’s when I had the MOST AMAZING IDEA EVER.  Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of it you sly fox.  Workfare!  All those WRAG slackers and unemployed geologists should be sent to farms to masturbate pigs!  (Oh darling, you have to LOL.  Imagine the CVs up and down the country: Qualifications – Applied Science MSc, Work Experience: Wanker.)

I think you’ll agree darling that this is the best idea you’ve heard today.  In fact, having read George’s Autumn Budget I know you’ll agree.

 Don’t ever tell me I’m not good to you, baby.

 Katy Anchant


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