17th December 2015

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/09/atos-disabled-people-assessment-fit-work-report 
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/09/12/amy-jones-cerebral-palsy-_n_3912949.html 
http://www.jrf.org.uk/blog/2013/09/universal-credit-work-welfare 
http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/dec/09/iain-duncan-smith-dwp-stop-benefits-whistleblower 
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/dec/15/uk-immigration-policy-britons-spouses-trauma

Debonair Dave,

I must apologise, my darling. Hampered with computer problems such as I am, I’ve not had as much opportunity to write as often as I’d like. I do hope you’re well though, and that you and the family are enjoying the nearly-holiday season.

I’ve been determined to make the most of it this year, what with the generous souls at the big energy companies determined to bring families closer together by hiking up their heating bills. So I found myself cuddled up on the sofa with my two little ones the other night watching an old favourite film of mine, “Liar, Liar”, when it occurred to me, how utterly delicious it would be for all the lefties if one day the curse of not being able to lie was fraught upon your unsuspecting cabinet.

There would be utter panic at the DWP when suddenly in a televised interview, Iain is given a question on Universal Credit and is forced to slap a hand over his own mouth while desperately trying not to shout “I know I said Universal Credit would make work pay but the truth is many people will find that they’ll actually earn more working part time than full time! In fact, 400,000 working families will have less income under Universal Credit in 2015 than they did in 2010!” And then when asked about benefit sanctions, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself blurting out, “Yes, staff at job centres are told that if they don’t sanction enough people, there’ll be formally disciplined and Atos ‘medical professionals’ are given clear ratios they have to meet that mean 97% of disabled people undergoing its assessment are put into the category of ‘expecting to recover within two years’. This includes people with incurable or degenerative conditions like cystic fibrosis, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s, rheumatoid arthritis or cerebral palsy! I…. CAN’T…. LIE!”

Theresa May would fair no better, poor thing. When asked about her changes to immigration policy she would not be able to help herself spewing: “My immigration cap idea is unachievable, completely illegal and will cost the UK billions of pounds. As far as my new visa restrictions are concerned, in an effort to save the taxpayer money, I’m actually going to lose the UK a further £850 million over ten years as a result of me setting an income benchmark for any Briton wishing to bring their spouse into the country which excludes 47% of Britain’s working population. In fact, my policies are likely to break up 17,800 families EVERY year! BUT…  I…. DON’T…. CARE!!!!”

And I dread to think what would happen if you were struck down with the dreaded curse yourself, my dear. You’d find yourself standing in the middle of the Commons unable to contain yourself. “Labour didn’t wreck our economy. Rich people did! And I have to blame it on the poor because the last thing I want to do is make the real perpetrators pay because I’m going to need their help in 2015! The GODDAMN PEN IS BLUE!!!”

You know I’m joking, of course, don’t you darling? Will you be in my movie?

Smooches,

Katy Anchant

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12th December 2013

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-25332463
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-25222680

Disarming Dave,

My darling, I must admit to being a little disappointed when I read the headline that said you had a ‘little black book’. But it seems it’s all okay because apparently it’s just full of policies you couldn’t put into action because of those meddling Lib Dems; policies like: inheritance tax cuts for millionaires; the re-introduction of O-levels; the ditching of the Human Rights Act; schools being run by profit-making businesses; the ability for firms to sack workers at will; the increase in childcare ratios; the withdrawal of benefits for under 25s; and the ‘snooper’s charter’ – a law which would allow the government to keep a record of every website you visit and everyone you stalk on Facebook.

I do feel for you. Okay, so you didn’t get a majority at the last election but are you the Prime Minister or are you the Prime Minister, for heaven’s sake? How can you make this world a better place when you have a Clegg around your neck? How can you transform the culture of this great country into one that values the needed, not the needy; that treasures the useful, not the useless; that rewards ability, not disability.

Still, at least it seems Labour has your back. Okay, so they may heckle everything you say, but it’s largely down to them that Giddy was allowed to make such an extraordinary move as to announce an overall spending cap on benefits in his Autumn Statement, because Labour announced they’d do the same thing not long ago.

I must admit, I’m finding it a little difficult to get my head around this one. Not that I don’t think it’s a genius idea, I’m just slightly curious as to how it would work? So, as from 2015, there will only be a finite amount of money in the benefits kitty for everything but pensions and Jobseekers’ Allowance. This means that tax credits, child benefits, maternity pay, income support, you name it, when the limit is reached, the payments will just stop? And by far the biggest expense, housing benefit, is also being capped. So as rents go up and up, the housing benefit limit will inevitably force the useless scroungers on to the street or into emergency housing, although, no, that’s probably fallen under the cap too. So, just on to the street then! And why not? It’ll be a return to the good old days of the Thatcher government that saw sleeping bags in shop doorways and schools held together with cardboard and masking tape, though actually that probably wouldn’t happen if you boys had it your way and schools were being sponsored by Starbucks or McDonalds.

Anyway, I realise how busy you are, what with trade visits, special appearances, interviews and the like, so I don’t mind that it’s been almost a year since I had a formal reply from you, but I am buoyed by the thought that you do indeed keep them, albeit tucked away in a secret drawer. So whenever those pesky Lib Dems are in danger of making you go all soft, you can have a shuffle through them to harden your resolve.

All my love, poppet.

Katy Anchant

5th December 2013

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/job-not-done-george-osborne-to-unveil-3bn-of-further-cuts-in-autumn-statement-8983724.html
http://www.home.bt.com/news/uknews/cameron-secures-45m-deal-on-pig-semen-11363855495775
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/tv/news/a16159/farm-under-fire-over-pig-masturbation.html

Distinguished Dave,

George delivered his Autumn Statement today and with a huge smile on his face too seeing as it’s the first time he’s ever had to speak as chancellor without having to give downgraded economic predictions. Incredibly, he announced today that the UK is growing faster than any other major economy. (Isn’t it wonderful what a really small dataset can do for a speech?)

Again, what is predicted for the UK, and the measures taken to achieve these goals, is wonderful or completely awful depending on who’s reporting it, For example: business rates and NI are being cut to encourage employment, yet some people will now have to work until 70 which dramatically drops the rate of vacancies in the workplace; growth forecasts have more than doubled, yet because it’s been flatline for three years in the slowest recovery in one hundred years, it’s hardly something to write a musical about; and with the massive cuts in spending set to continue, the UK may even be in surplus again in 2018, yet people will be worse off in 2015 than they were in 2010. You see it’s all very glass is half empty but I prefer to focus on the positive: like you winning business for the UK yet again with a £45m deal with China for our pig semen.

I’m glad China recognises, like the world always did, that for breeding, Britain are hands down the number one for pigs.  While I was reading the article yesterday a friend came in and said: “How does one extract semen from pigs?”  I said: “I think they mostly, umm, play with them.  You remember like Rebecca Loos did, and everyone thought she was a wanton hussy for not only having an affair with David Beckham but for then masturbating a pig on TV?”

No, apparently my friend does not remember the incident.  (Why everyone thought so badly of her is beyond me.  I mean, most women have given someone called Dave a blowjob. *wink* No darling, not because women are all floozies or because Dave is a popular name, but because chaps called Dave are almost always dashing, charismatic and pretty much irresistible to the female of the species.)  I then went on to explain that while there are synthetic pig vaginas, it’s generally far better and more efficient if done by the ‘gloved hand’ method. 

That’s when I had the MOST AMAZING IDEA EVER.  Don’t tell me you haven’t thought of it you sly fox.  Workfare!  All those WRAG slackers and unemployed geologists should be sent to farms to masturbate pigs!  (Oh darling, you have to LOL.  Imagine the CVs up and down the country: Qualifications – Applied Science MSc, Work Experience: Wanker.)

I think you’ll agree darling that this is the best idea you’ve heard today.  In fact, having read George’s Autumn Budget I know you’ll agree.

 Don’t ever tell me I’m not good to you, baby.

 Katy Anchant

3rd December 2013

Discernible Dave,

Darling sometimes when I get a little stuck as to what to write to you about I do a little Google search on what you’ve been up to. For the last couple of days it’s just been China this, China that, and where I know that’s all of vital importance to all of us over here, it’s not a subject I can offer you much insight on despite having half-Chinese children. You see, their father is British-born making him more of an ornamental oriental (and also not a patch on you, my love).

Anyway, what I found when I typed the word ‘is’ at the end of your name in the search bar did shock me a little: I got …is an idiot,…is a fascist, …is jokes. Is jokes? You see, you’re engaging the youth in politics. That can only be a good thing. Who says you’re the party for the rich? It would only take a touch of rebranding (and I could certainly help with that) and your new election slogan could be: “Nuff sweet gov, bruv!”

And when I typed ‘why is’ before your name, what came out was quite bizarre. The most popular result was “Why is David Cameron Prime Minister?” Surely everyone knows the answer to that: Nick Clegg. But of course, also because you’re awesome.

And when I type “Is David Cameron…” I got …dead? …evil? and …Scottish? It’s such a shame how these vicious rumours get around. In fact, I blame Google. Of course you’re not dead. And I will fight to the death anyone who would besmirch your good name by saying you are in any way, shape or form, Scottish.

I suggest creating a search engine all your own and making it default on everyone’s browser so from now on whenever anyone searches ”Why is David Cameron..” they’ll only get “… not King of everything?” or ” …on such a low wage?”

All my love always and keep it real, G! (G stands for ‘gangsta’, not Google. Google is jokes.)

Katy Anchant