27th November 2013


Definitive Dave,

Darling, I’m so sorry it’s been so long. I had a major mishap involving a glass of Aldi wine and my laptop. I really don’t know how I managed to last a whole week without writing to you. Did you miss me? I’m only managing to type this now because I managed to scrounge a lead so I could plug my dying laptop into the television. It does have its advantages though because now your head is as big as ever!

After perusing the usual news sites for word on what you’ve been up to, it became apparent to me just how much pessimism there is out there these days! Some of these “news” sites are just so “glass is half empty”. What I love about you Tories is just how optimistic you are. After all, there are always at least two ways of seeing things. Some people always just see the negative. I’ve compiled a list of how you would phrase all this good news compared to those Guardian reading, yoghurt weaving pessimists.

How a Tory would say it compared to how a pessimist would say it…
On jobs:
Just over half zero-hour contracted employees who answered a recent survey said they didn’t need more hours” translates to “Almost half the number of zero-hour contracted employees who answered a recent survey said they need more hours.”
“The number of people in employment is at its highest level since records began” translates to “The number of people forced to work part-time because they’ve not been able to find full-time work is at its highest level since records began.”
“The jobless are becoming a lot more proactive in the hunt for work with 24% applying for work experience roles” translates to “Unemployment figures reveal that more people are working unpaid than at any point in the last 15 years.”
On taxes:
The government has repeatedly raised the lowest tax threshold since the 2010 election to what could be as high as £10,500 by 2015″ translates to “The government has been repeatedly putting the tax up for everyone in the middle by lowering the threshold at which a 40% tax rate is charged by over £5,000 while at the same time lowering the rate of tax for the richest by 5%.”
On the NHS:
“The NHS is treating 1.2 million more people than under the last Labour government” translates to “There are 1.2 million more sick people under this government than the last one.”
On animal welfare:
“David Cameron narrowly escaped death when he was chased from the waters of a South African beach by a Great White shark” translates to “A Great White shark was ruthlessly denied a meal by David Cameron.”

See, people can be such stick-in-the-muds. Don’t let them get you down, my love.

Katy Anchant


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