15th November 2013


Deluxe Dave,

I’ve been seeing a lot of pictures recently of your dapper self delivering a speech at the Lord Mayor’s banquet a few days ago. My lefty friends seemed to think that something was a bit amiss about laying out your vision of a UK in a state of permanent austerity while surrounded by so much gold and canapés. Personally, the only thing I saw that was amiss was the fact that Boris Johnson seemed to be far shorter, leaner, and altogether more female. I guess he must have been using a stand-in that day. (FYI, please tell him that I’d be more than happy to do that job for free in the future if it means I get a seat next to you.)

The bow tie really suited you I think, as did the speech which I know came straight from the heart. It showed an honesty that heretofore had been rather hidden for fear of upsetting your LibDem buddies. But now, after they voted against Labour’s motion to repeal the bedroom tax (after voting overwhelmingly for just such an action earlier in the year at their party conference), they’ve shown their true colour to be rather blue but still containing a large streak of yellow. So you really have nothing to worry about seeing as all three parties now agree that austerity ought to and will continue. I do worry though, that if that’s the case, people might find another colour to vote for. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a party of my own in that case; an indigo party.

What inspired me was my nine-year old daughter, Indigo, who said to me the other day, in all earnest, “but people are more important than money.” Okay, so we were talking about tobacco companies at the time but bless her. If she’d gone through the sort of education that you had – where, as a young Etonian you would’ve typically been asked to write a speech justifying the shooting of protesters – then she would’ve understood that the truer sentence would’ve be something like “the only important people are the ones with money.” We can only hope she comes out fixed on the other side.

Incidentally, I noticed that you recently had all your pre-election speeches wiped from your website. It was such a shame because I used to like looking at those, but I guess it was a prudent thing to do seeing as prior to your aforementioned speech about your intention to create a permanently leaner state, you promised austerity was a reluctant measure, in no way borne from any ideology, and would end as soon as you’d erased the deficit, which you guessed would happen by the time of the next election. Oh well, seeing as austerity slowed that particular goal down by at least another seven years, let’s hope all traces of that particular speech don’t resurface.

Regarding my own party, I’m not quite sure what my policies would be yet, but I’m sure they would involve free biscuits, compulsory hats, and would be way more fun. And on a personal note, I think in a couple of years’ time, I would rather like coming up against you.

Katy Anchant


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