My darling Dave,
I was rather worried about you on Tuesday. As you know, I do have a few lefty scrounger friends who don’t understand you like I do, so I found out about a fairly large protest that was taking place in Parliament Square. With trepidation, I turned on BBC News at Ten expecting to see burning effigies of poor IDS, likenesses of Giddy on a stick and masked hippies threatening to break down your door, but thank goodness, it looked like I had absolutely nothing to worry about as there was no mention of it at all. The actual protest was a global event encompassing hundreds of thousands of people in 477 locations in over 150 countries around the world but BBC Newsnight managed to find just ten seconds of footage. Phew.
Scouring the BBC News website that evening brought up a small 30 second video along with two short sentences suggesting that a few hundred people got together and decided they were going to burn things and shoot fireworks because they didn’t want to pay their gas bill. I thought perhaps that was going to be it but looking at the BBC News website yesterday, however, I saw they had dedicated ten whole sentences to the event. But it’s ok, they managed to make it look like some stunt led by a shaggy-haired comedian promoting hair products.
Congratulations, by the way, on defeating Labour’s plan to freeze energy prices. Hear, hear! Imagine, dictating to private companies about how they shouldn’t be fleecing the public? It’s just not cricket. You’re the British government. You don’t dictate to business. You ASK. That’s the British way. You ASK companies if they would mind awfully if they paid their fair share of taxes. Because it works! Starbucks decided they’d actually start paying corporation tax this year for the first time in five years seeing as you asked so nicely. (Though, it was probably down to the fact that they didn’t want to get boycotted and go bust). You give councils a cash incentive and ASK them to not put up their council tax. (Even though a third decided they still would.) You give companies a tax break (if you’re Ed Milliband) and ASK that they pay their employees a living wage. (I mean, it’s not like you boys could just decide to raise the minimum wage. You are just the government after all.) You ASK energy companies that they make sure their customers are on the cheapest tariffs. (Though I do realise that if everyone’s on the cheapest tariff, then really, could it be called cheap anymore? Compared to what?)
I was sorry to hear though, that a court has ruled in favour of five severely disabled people because you withdrew a £320 million fund that 19,000 of them were depending on. But it’s ok, I hear you’re going to appeal the ruling. And quite right. You have the right to do withdraw any funds you like. If you, as a government decide that someone should no longer have the right to be fed and clothed, you should have the right to decide that, don’t you think? It’s what’s wonderful about our great country. Not only should you have the right, you should be able to fight for that right in a court of law.
Unless you need legal aid.
Did I mention how much I love you?