5th November 2013


Amazing Dave,

What is the big deal about MPs claiming energy bills on their expenses? Most MPs have two homes, usually one that is funded by the tax payer. What with the headache of having to hire twice the amount of cleaners and landscape gardeners to look after them, it also takes twice the amount of energy to run them. With the absolute chore of having to maintain a sprawling 31-acre, £5 million detached mansion, like Tory MP Nadhim Zahawi has to endure, (and let’s face it, one simply cannot be a Tory without the appropriate living quarters) why shouldn’t his 12-month £5,822 bill be paid for by us? After all, how can one continue one’s civic duties when one’s horse is freezing its tacks off in the stables? I suggest that if people are going to complain so much about having to pay money to heat MP’s homes, why not just grab some of their 24,000 elderly relatives who are expected to die this winter and put their bodies to some good use in some of your energy-efficient wood-burning Aga ovens. The cost to the tax payer would be minimal.

Incidentally, I read a story today that gladdened my heart and I thought I should share. Apparently, 80,000 children will wake up on Christmas morning in temporary accommodation B&B provided by your kind self. It seems your generosity knows no bounds. I remember the road trips I used to take as a child and the overnight stop-offs we would sometimes make. What adventure! What high jinx. Admittedly, the difference is that in all the places I stayed, I was rarely witness to sexual offences, physical violence, and at no point did someone offer to sell me crack cocaine, but still, I think children these days need to have the sense of adventure scared back into them. Bully for you.

I highlight this because I want you to know the good things your policies are doing. Did you know that you’re actually bringing some of these families closer together? Yes, in most cases, they all share one room with about half of them having to share beds too. It’s almost like camping! And who doesn’t like camping? Labour supporters, probably. I mean, it was the previous government who pledged to eradicate homelessness, managing to cut numbers by 50%. It was a blow to tent makers everywhere. Luckily numbers have been growing again ever since you took up the mantle. Well done, you.

On another note, with all the nonsense you Tories have had to put up with, I was frankly shocked and stunned by the absolute insult I heard about that was fraught upon poor Karl McCartney, Conservative MP for Lincoln. Although not the biggest fan of yours, (he once compared gay marriage rights to bigamy and child marriage) I’m sure you can still sympathise. You see, it seems that those in the House were spelling his name incorrectly! The ‘c’ in his name should be superscript, not lower case! I know! Utterly appalling. But the story does have a happy ending because, you see, after a tortuous and harrowing three years, they finally granted him the font change and he is officially an M ‘superscript-c’ Cartney! I’m sure you had something to do with it, you soft touch you. And if you did, perhaps you could help me? My bank and I are in a similar dispute over the circumflex over my second ‘A’. Oh, and the fact that they’re crooked, underhanded, self-serving, ethically retarded twunts.

Nothing like you, my darling. Nothing like you at all.

Katy Anchant


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