29th November 2013


Devoted Dave,

I can scarcely even scan the news right now without coming across at least half a dozen IDS hate pieces! Why all the brouhaha? Is he just a fashionable figure for hate? Like Coldplay or James Blunt? Mind you, James Blunt never caused anyone to commit suicide. Arguably.

Okay, so he falsified his CV, has lied repeatedly and unashamedly to the public, has overseen a set of welfare changes that penalise the sick, poor and disabled, has been found guilty in a court of law of implementing unfair workfare sanctions, and has lost most of the £425m of public money on Universal Credit, but still, poor Iain. I personally can’t understand it. Is he not the epitome of what the Tories might call “aspiration Britain”? Is his story not the very definition of the battle against the odds, the rags to riches, the inspirational, underdog struggle that people make movies about? You see, he may have had obstacles; he may have had shortcomings – but he had a dream.

Back in 1981, after leaving the Scots Guards and languishing on out of work benefits, with no degree or indeed any recognisable further education qualifications whatsoever, he dreamt that he would one day enjoy a £130k (plus 90k expenses) job that he had no skill for whatsoever, be married to a rich woman, have a full head of hair, and be living rent-free in a life he didn’t even have to pay for. And look at him now. He has it all. Well, apart from the hair.

It was a long, long road and it wasn’t easy. I for one, sympathise. There were plenty of hurdles. Not long ago, he was delivering speeches composed by another unqualified dreamer, your very own George Osborne. Hobbled somewhat by having Giddy as his speechwriter, Iain became the first ever Tory leader not to become Prime Minister, soon afterwards being voted out by his own party. (Incidentally, poor George’s follow-up assignment as speechwriter was William Hague, the second ever Tory leader not to become Prime Minister. I really don’t blame you for making Giddy Chancellor of the Exchequer. At least that kept him away from writing your speeches too!)

So a scandal or two later, (one involving giving his wife £18,000 out of the public purse for… well, being his wife) Iain is causing controversy again by making plans to scrap the WRAG. This is the Work-Related Activity Group invented to encompass some 550,000 people deemed unfit for work but able to work maybe at some point in the future. It includes many long-term sick and even some terminally ill.

People on the WRAG have their benefits stopped after a year anyway but that’s okay for some because they’ll be dead before that happens. But Iain has decided that he can’t even wait THAT long for them to kick the bucket, he wants to speed the process up by scrapping all their support now. Besides, he’d just be doing them a favour. Inspired by Iain’s belief in these people, employers will no doubt be lining up to give the infirm, long term sick and terminally ill jobs, and for those without the aspiration or motivation, well, natural selection will sort them out. As Boris Johnson said in a speech this week, “the harder you shake the pack the easier it will be for some cornflakes to get to the top.” And what better way to shake the pack than to deny the less fortunate of our species the means to even AFFORD cornflakes.

Apparently, over half the population of voters believe the Conservatives are the party for the rich. I, like you, am of the belief you are the party of hope – a hope that one day I might too be given a six-figure salary for something I can’t do and have my neighbours pay my heating bill. I can but dream.

Katy Anchant


27th November 2013


Definitive Dave,

Darling, I’m so sorry it’s been so long. I had a major mishap involving a glass of Aldi wine and my laptop. I really don’t know how I managed to last a whole week without writing to you. Did you miss me? I’m only managing to type this now because I managed to scrounge a lead so I could plug my dying laptop into the television. It does have its advantages though because now your head is as big as ever!

After perusing the usual news sites for word on what you’ve been up to, it became apparent to me just how much pessimism there is out there these days! Some of these “news” sites are just so “glass is half empty”. What I love about you Tories is just how optimistic you are. After all, there are always at least two ways of seeing things. Some people always just see the negative. I’ve compiled a list of how you would phrase all this good news compared to those Guardian reading, yoghurt weaving pessimists.

How a Tory would say it compared to how a pessimist would say it…
On jobs:
Just over half zero-hour contracted employees who answered a recent survey said they didn’t need more hours” translates to “Almost half the number of zero-hour contracted employees who answered a recent survey said they need more hours.”
“The number of people in employment is at its highest level since records began” translates to “The number of people forced to work part-time because they’ve not been able to find full-time work is at its highest level since records began.”
“The jobless are becoming a lot more proactive in the hunt for work with 24% applying for work experience roles” translates to “Unemployment figures reveal that more people are working unpaid than at any point in the last 15 years.”
On taxes:
The government has repeatedly raised the lowest tax threshold since the 2010 election to what could be as high as £10,500 by 2015″ translates to “The government has been repeatedly putting the tax up for everyone in the middle by lowering the threshold at which a 40% tax rate is charged by over £5,000 while at the same time lowering the rate of tax for the richest by 5%.”
On the NHS:
“The NHS is treating 1.2 million more people than under the last Labour government” translates to “There are 1.2 million more sick people under this government than the last one.”
On animal welfare:
“David Cameron narrowly escaped death when he was chased from the waters of a South African beach by a Great White shark” translates to “A Great White shark was ruthlessly denied a meal by David Cameron.”

See, people can be such stick-in-the-muds. Don’t let them get you down, my love.

Katy Anchant

15th November 2013


Deluxe Dave,

I’ve been seeing a lot of pictures recently of your dapper self delivering a speech at the Lord Mayor’s banquet a few days ago. My lefty friends seemed to think that something was a bit amiss about laying out your vision of a UK in a state of permanent austerity while surrounded by so much gold and canapés. Personally, the only thing I saw that was amiss was the fact that Boris Johnson seemed to be far shorter, leaner, and altogether more female. I guess he must have been using a stand-in that day. (FYI, please tell him that I’d be more than happy to do that job for free in the future if it means I get a seat next to you.)

The bow tie really suited you I think, as did the speech which I know came straight from the heart. It showed an honesty that heretofore had been rather hidden for fear of upsetting your LibDem buddies. But now, after they voted against Labour’s motion to repeal the bedroom tax (after voting overwhelmingly for just such an action earlier in the year at their party conference), they’ve shown their true colour to be rather blue but still containing a large streak of yellow. So you really have nothing to worry about seeing as all three parties now agree that austerity ought to and will continue. I do worry though, that if that’s the case, people might find another colour to vote for. I’ve toyed with the idea of starting a party of my own in that case; an indigo party.

What inspired me was my nine-year old daughter, Indigo, who said to me the other day, in all earnest, “but people are more important than money.” Okay, so we were talking about tobacco companies at the time but bless her. If she’d gone through the sort of education that you had – where, as a young Etonian you would’ve typically been asked to write a speech justifying the shooting of protesters – then she would’ve understood that the truer sentence would’ve be something like “the only important people are the ones with money.” We can only hope she comes out fixed on the other side.

Incidentally, I noticed that you recently had all your pre-election speeches wiped from your website. It was such a shame because I used to like looking at those, but I guess it was a prudent thing to do seeing as prior to your aforementioned speech about your intention to create a permanently leaner state, you promised austerity was a reluctant measure, in no way borne from any ideology, and would end as soon as you’d erased the deficit, which you guessed would happen by the time of the next election. Oh well, seeing as austerity slowed that particular goal down by at least another seven years, let’s hope all traces of that particular speech don’t resurface.

Regarding my own party, I’m not quite sure what my policies would be yet, but I’m sure they would involve free biscuits, compulsory hats, and would be way more fun. And on a personal note, I think in a couple of years’ time, I would rather like coming up against you.

Katy Anchant

12th November 2013


Diplomatic Dave,

I was just scrolling through the news today and saw a rather disturbing image, but it turned out it was just Ed Milliband. He was doing an interview on the BBC for a subject that has become an important and increasingly critical issue. It’s an issue that could affect millions of lives, an issue that he swears he would stamp out should Labour win the next election. I was worried because this issue is such a serious one I wouldn’t want Ed to win too many political points over it as frankly I thought the Conservatives would want to do something about it too.

It’s advertising by payday loan lenders on children’s television.

You boys in Westminster prove time and time again that you do indeed have your finger on the pulse of Britain. You just seem to have a knack for identifying the biggest problems that are affecting the day to day lives of ordinary hardworking people. I don’t know how you do it. You know, ever since my kids started seeing those adverts, they’ve started changing up their Christmas list. My seven year old boy no longer wants a Nerf Gun or a Nintendo 3DS. All he wants is a Wonga loan. All I hear day in day out is “four thousand two hundred and fourteen percent APR”. My daughter is no better, although she’d prefer a QuickQuid loan; muttering something about ‘flexi-credit’.

I really do think you should get behind this issue. Targeting children is just wrong. Of course, it’s child’s play getting a Wonga loan. You just need some card, double-sided sticky tape and some glitter glue. I can see an epidemic of elephantine proportions happening. If I had my way, children shouldn’t get one at all until they’re at least eleven years of age. You know, I think coming out and condemning this sort of thing would go a long way to limiting the point-scoring Ed is getting through this and would make you look like the truly compassionate champion of the people that you are.

On a personal note, did you know that it’s been a year since I started writing to you? Although I’m no longer worried about receiving replies as I know how busy you are and I know you like to keep the letters our little secret, I would still like to remind you that I’m freely available to take up a position somewhere on your back bench? I’m not expensive and am extremely flexible.

Forever yours.

Katy Anchant

7th November 2013


My darling Dave,

I was rather worried about you on Tuesday. As you know, I do have a few lefty scrounger friends who don’t understand you like I do, so I found out about a fairly large protest that was taking place in Parliament Square. With trepidation, I turned on BBC News at Ten expecting to see burning effigies of poor IDS, likenesses of Giddy on a stick and masked hippies threatening to break down your door, but thank goodness, it looked like I had absolutely nothing to worry about as there was no mention of it at all. The actual protest was a global event encompassing hundreds of thousands of people in 477 locations in over 150 countries around the world but BBC Newsnight managed to find just ten seconds of footage. Phew.

Scouring the BBC News website that evening brought up a small 30 second video along with two short sentences suggesting that a few hundred people got together and decided they were going to burn things and shoot fireworks because they didn’t want to pay their gas bill. I thought perhaps that was going to be it but looking at the BBC News website yesterday, however, I saw they had dedicated ten whole sentences to the event. But it’s ok, they managed to make it look like some stunt led by a shaggy-haired comedian promoting hair products.

Congratulations, by the way, on defeating Labour’s plan to freeze energy prices. Hear, hear! Imagine, dictating to private companies about how they shouldn’t be fleecing the public? It’s just not cricket. You’re the British government. You don’t dictate to business. You ASK. That’s the British way. You ASK companies if they would mind awfully if they paid their fair share of taxes. Because it works! Starbucks decided they’d actually start paying corporation tax this year for the first time in five years seeing as you asked so nicely. (Though, it was probably down to the fact that they didn’t want to get boycotted and go bust). You give councils a cash incentive and ASK them to not put up their council tax. (Even though a third decided they still would.) You give companies a tax break (if you’re Ed Milliband) and ASK that they pay their employees a living wage. (I mean, it’s not like you boys could just decide to raise the minimum wage. You are just the government after all.) You ASK energy companies that they make sure their customers are on the cheapest tariffs. (Though I do realise that if everyone’s on the cheapest tariff, then really, could it be called cheap anymore? Compared to what?)

I was sorry to hear though, that a court has ruled in favour of five severely disabled people because you withdrew a £320 million fund that 19,000 of them were depending on. But it’s ok, I hear you’re going to appeal the ruling. And quite right. You have the right to do withdraw any funds you like. If you, as a government decide that someone should no longer have the right to be fed and clothed, you should have the right to decide that, don’t you think? It’s what’s wonderful about our great country. Not only should you have the right, you should be able to fight for that right in a court of law.

Unless you need legal aid.

Did I mention how much I love you?

Katy Anchant

5th November 2013


Amazing Dave,

What is the big deal about MPs claiming energy bills on their expenses? Most MPs have two homes, usually one that is funded by the tax payer. What with the headache of having to hire twice the amount of cleaners and landscape gardeners to look after them, it also takes twice the amount of energy to run them. With the absolute chore of having to maintain a sprawling 31-acre, £5 million detached mansion, like Tory MP Nadhim Zahawi has to endure, (and let’s face it, one simply cannot be a Tory without the appropriate living quarters) why shouldn’t his 12-month £5,822 bill be paid for by us? After all, how can one continue one’s civic duties when one’s horse is freezing its tacks off in the stables? I suggest that if people are going to complain so much about having to pay money to heat MP’s homes, why not just grab some of their 24,000 elderly relatives who are expected to die this winter and put their bodies to some good use in some of your energy-efficient wood-burning Aga ovens. The cost to the tax payer would be minimal.

Incidentally, I read a story today that gladdened my heart and I thought I should share. Apparently, 80,000 children will wake up on Christmas morning in temporary accommodation B&B provided by your kind self. It seems your generosity knows no bounds. I remember the road trips I used to take as a child and the overnight stop-offs we would sometimes make. What adventure! What high jinx. Admittedly, the difference is that in all the places I stayed, I was rarely witness to sexual offences, physical violence, and at no point did someone offer to sell me crack cocaine, but still, I think children these days need to have the sense of adventure scared back into them. Bully for you.

I highlight this because I want you to know the good things your policies are doing. Did you know that you’re actually bringing some of these families closer together? Yes, in most cases, they all share one room with about half of them having to share beds too. It’s almost like camping! And who doesn’t like camping? Labour supporters, probably. I mean, it was the previous government who pledged to eradicate homelessness, managing to cut numbers by 50%. It was a blow to tent makers everywhere. Luckily numbers have been growing again ever since you took up the mantle. Well done, you.

On another note, with all the nonsense you Tories have had to put up with, I was frankly shocked and stunned by the absolute insult I heard about that was fraught upon poor Karl McCartney, Conservative MP for Lincoln. Although not the biggest fan of yours, (he once compared gay marriage rights to bigamy and child marriage) I’m sure you can still sympathise. You see, it seems that those in the House were spelling his name incorrectly! The ‘c’ in his name should be superscript, not lower case! I know! Utterly appalling. But the story does have a happy ending because, you see, after a tortuous and harrowing three years, they finally granted him the font change and he is officially an M ‘superscript-c’ Cartney! I’m sure you had something to do with it, you soft touch you. And if you did, perhaps you could help me? My bank and I are in a similar dispute over the circumflex over my second ‘A’. Oh, and the fact that they’re crooked, underhanded, self-serving, ethically retarded twunts.

Nothing like you, my darling. Nothing like you at all.

Katy Anchant