4th October 2013

http://www.newstatesman.com/staggers/2013/10/david-camerons-speech-conservative-party-conference-2013-full-text

Distinctive Dave,

I must apologise again at my tardiness at not writing sooner. I’ve not been well again and your speech at the Tory party conference was just so inspired, so mesmerising, so distinctively Conservative, that I was literally speechless. Although completely devoid of policy, it was however full of hard truths and aspirations for a country that owes so much to the champions of your cause: big business.

“The best way out of poverty is work – and the dignity that brings. We know that profit, wealth creation, tax cuts, enterprise, these are not dirty, elitist words – they’re not the problem, they really are the solution, because it’s not government that creates jobs, it’s businesses. It’s businesses that get wages in people’s pockets, food on their tables, hope for their families and success for our country.”

Because we all know that profits for companies means profits for people, right? Wealth created by O2, for instance, means thousands of well-paid jobs in call centres right here in the UK, right? Tax cuts for the people that don’t need them will mean it will pass down to the people who really do, right? Businesses that offer thousands of jobs on minimum wage, even though low pay is the biggest cause of poverty in the UK, are going to make sure they’re employees never go hungry, right?

Despite the fact that a million more people living in poverty are from working households than workless ones, you are still quite right, the best way out of poverty is work, which is why you hinted that you could be taking away benefits from all 16-25 year olds, citing the fact that a young person today could leave education and “get a flat and choose to live a life on benefits” (when in reality, the most that could be offered anyone under the age of 35 would be help towards a room in a shared house, but I won’t tell). Together with Giddy’s announcement that anyone not working within two years could be sentenced to hard labour, this would really be a great step towards a one hundred percent employment rate.

I wouldn’t worry too much about Labour either darling, because they do seem to be right behind you even if they don’t realise it. They want to put every young person who hasn’t found a job within one year into a compulsory full-time minimum wage job, which will ensure that all young achievers will be at least achieving something. So darling, your vision will actually be fulfilled no matter who wins the next election as millions of young people will come out of education with degrees in geology, biochemistry and fine art and – if Labour wins – be forced either onto assembly lines at Ford. into warehouses at Amazon or into fast food chains like McDonalds to live out a life of low wage poverty; or, if you win, they’ll be given a broom or bucket or mop and set to work at the local park, hospital or sewage treatment centre, and, if they’re under 25, go and sleep in the nearest shop doorway. What better way to build character and win the global race?

It makes me tearful even just typing this, you darling inspiring man.

Katy Anchant

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