25th September 2013


Durable Dave,

Head Millipede is talking about you again. And right after Balls took a pop at you too. It does seem a little childish to use the Labour Party conference to talk about the size of your beach towel. Don’t worry though, it’s the Conservative party conference coming up this weekend and you can have the Cleggbot talk about how small Ed’s willy is or how much better your ministerial VIP concierge limo service is than his. In fact, I bet your wife could kick his wife’s butt in a mud wrestle. In fact, that would be so much more entertaining than the usual mud-slinging.

You can kind of rest easy though knowing that Ed doesn’t really have any policies of his own but rather just anti-YOU policies. His catchphrase seems to be “anything you can do I can say bollocks to.” You are the PM who introduces the bedroom tax. He is the wannabe PM who would repeal the bedroom tax. How catchy is that? (Of course he also wants to introduce an overall benefits cap. I guess he thought everyone had forgotten about that.) But mind you, he also wants to raise the minimum wage, remove tax cuts for millionaires, reform the banks, stop tax avoidance, set up a green investment bank, and repeal the NHS Act. Muppet.

Anyway, Ed is an idiot. How dare he say you’re “strong at standing up to the weak, but weak at standing up to the strong”. Doesn’t that apply to everyone? I mean, if you had to pick someone to have a fight with do you pick the fat kid in glasses or the captain of the school cricket team? As for your friends, well, if Starbucks were the most popular girl in class and the single mother with fibromyalgia were the gypsy, who would anyone rather be friends with? After all, with Starbucks you get invited to the awesome parties, and with the gypsy you sit around drinking tea and watching Eastenders, and after all darling, you, like every other male in the UK, are only a man. They say that behind every great man stands an even greater woman darling, and here I am behind you. Always from behind.

Katy Anchant


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