21st September 2013

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/david-cameron-pictured-asleep-bed-2286960 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-13170015 http://www.leftfootforward.org/2013/09/labour-to-scrap-bedroom-tax/ http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/the-bedroom-tax-the-tories-idea-of-fairness-that-could-yet-return-to-haunt-them-8827142.html http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/exclusive-50000-people-are-now-facing-eviction-after-bedroom-tax-8825074.html

Dreamy Dave,

Awww, that picture of you barefoot on the bed, fast asleep, with the confidential red box (that you almost lost on the train earlier in the day) safe by your side, is the sweetest thing I think I’ve ever seen. You sleep so nobly, so manly, legs crossed, arms behind your head. Unlike Ed, who snores like a donkey being mounted by a bus. I won’t tell you how I know that.
It’s the Labour Party conference this weekend and it’s being widely reported that Ed is going to announce a commitment to scrapping the bedroom tax. Sorry, there I go using that phrase again. That Rolnik woman was really told off for using it too, but I will say in her defence that any visitor to the UK would be confused, because the only people in the whole country that aren’t calling it that are members of your own party. Oh, and the BBC, who only call it that when they’re pointing out how wrong everyone else is.
I hesitate to say, but the name you give it, ‘the withdrawal of the spare room subsidy’, is also quite wrong too. Don’t hate me, but by calling it that, wouldn’t there have to actually be something called the ‘spare room subsidy’? In fact, in a way, it does kind of exist for people who live in private properties on their own, as they’re given a 25% reduction in council tax. Now, if you took THAT away, then you could certainly call it ‘the withdrawal of spare room subsidy’. No, the correct term, according to legislation, is the Under-Occupancy Penalty.
I really wish I could help you with this one darling, as I know it’s definitely having the desired effect in terms of kicking the lazy plebs out of their homes, especially in prime London locations. Apparently, 50,000 people in just a third of local authorities are now facing eviction. The full UK figure could currently be as high as 150,000 and that’s only going to get bigger as one in three are now in rent arrears. Nobody quite believes the line anymore that it’s to make bigger homes available, (as 96% of people affected have nowhere to move to) or that it’s to make things fairer (as I’ve already pointed out that sole private owners actually DO get a spare room subsidy), so although you know I’m right behind you, it might be best you just let this one go.
But hopefully, by the time you have to scrap it, there’ll be plenty of large, vacant, valuable properties adding to the portfolios of your investor buddies, and there’ll be plenty of people owing millions to payday lenders which would benefit some of your friends greatly, like your ex-senior adviser Jonathan Luff who left last year to work for Wonga, like ex-Tory MP Sir Gerald Howarth, who now works for QuickQuid, or like major Tory party donor Adrian Beecroft, chairman of Wonga’s parent company.
One thing’s for sure, you’ve made a lot of people very happy and there’ll always be a very special place for you at The Board of Katy Anchant after your term’s up. Plus my bed is far more comfortable.

Katy Anchant

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