18th September 2013


Delicious Dave,

Well done on doing something about regaining your popularity among the mums of Great Britain by giving their kids free school meals. Hurrah! Mind you, if school dinners are anything like they were when I was a kid, it could just as easily be seen as you victimising the poor again. Just joking darling, of course. But how nice of you letting Nick have that little concession. I know he wanted free school meals for everyone and not just for the first three years of schoolers, but really, you don’t want to overdo it. I mean, you don’t want the Lib Dems getting more votes than you come next election. I can just see it now, Tories 3, Lib Dems 4. You just can’t let that happen.

This was such a timely masterstroke, as it did just recently come to light that women apparently don’t like you anymore! Specifically mums. A headline in the Telegraph read “Five reasons why women (and especially mothers) don’t like David Cameron”. I was shocked and stunned. And after all you’ve done for them too! They really ought to – how did you put it? – “calm down, dear”. What have they got to complain about? Okay, so the changes to welfare spending have impacted on women more than anyone else – like cutting child benefits, cutting child tax credits, reducing tax credit cover for childcare, limiting sure start maternity grants to the first child only, getting rid of the child trust fund, abolition of the health in pregnancy grant, moving single parents of children as young as five off income support and onto JSA, the benefits cap, the bedroom tax – but all of this can now just be forgotten about because they’re getting free school meals! But you know they’ll still complain, the ungrateful wenches. Do they not realise that by taking away the money they need to live on and substituting that with Spam and beans, those kids will learn the value of aspiration, hard work and “getting on”? So what if mummy can’t be around for them so much anymore, (as mummy is far more use to society in Poundland than she could ever be at home) at least they’ll no longer be malnourished. You kind, caring, compassionate man.

Now, if only you’d done this when my kids were young enough to benefit, you would’ve saved them from years of my homemade cheese flan. Poor things.

Katy Anchant


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