Darling, I am sorry for you, I really am. This week clearly seems to be the week to be hounded by foreigners. First that Rolnik woman and then that Jose Manuel Barroso, (seriously, how foreign can you get) thinking they know anything about our great country. How dare he compare the Tories to UKIP? OK, so they’re similar in that they want to cut benefits, get out of Europe, deregulate everything, bring tax down for millionaires and make immigration almost impossible, but apart from all that, the Tories are a completely different party! And don’t even get me started on that Rolnik woman, thinking she knows anything about human suffering and pain. I bet she’s never had to travel from Purley to Westminster in a cab during rush hour while bursting for the loo.
I was gladdened though, to hear that Iain is starting to do something about the working benefits bill. I mean it’s all well and good kicking the bone idle plebs off the dole for not being able to use a computer or for not applying for that jobcentre website vacancy as a lap dancer at Sugar & Spice in Norwich (yes, it was actually advertised and I would’ve applied myself had it been local, as it is actually a job one can do sitting down), but a huge amount of the benefits purse is being doled out to working people. In fact, the majority of people in poverty in the UK are from working households. That’s about 6.1 million people. That’s 6.1 million potential cap-in-hand scroungers who aren’t earning enough. People earning below the minimum wage mark of under £950 per month because of poor pay, inability to get more hours, zero-hour contracts or just plain bad luck, Iain is proposing putting THEM on work programmes too, with tasks to carry out and ‘training’ to complete, putting them under the same threat of sanctions. What genius! That should cut the bill in half!
But could I just make one small suggestion. It has been mentioned that the work programme he came up with was so inefficient that it was statistically worse than doing nothing at all. So – and please make this suggestion to Iain as delicately as you can – why don’t you actually do nothing! Scrap the work programme, stop all the paperwork, stop paying out huge sums to private agencies, some of whom you know are already on the fiddle, and you’ll save all that money and the plebs will find work all by themselves, and at a faster rate than they would if they had Iain’s ‘help’. It’s a win / win. Of course, you can if you want, still hire friends and relatives to ‘do nothing’. Like Iain Duncan-Smith’s wife. Or indeed Iain Duncan-Smith. Just kidding, we both know what a hard worker he is, though I must admit that I do sometimes wish he would do nothing a bit more.
As always, I wholeheartedly volunteer my own services. I could nothing all day! And I’d quite happily do it while in your ministerial chambers.