5th September 2013


Diverting Dave,

I thought I’d leave it a little longer to contact you again as you seem to have so much on your plate right now, what with the defeat in the Commons on the vote for military action in Syria and the subsequent accusations of you losing face because of it. If it wasn’t for Ed Minibrain and those blasted back-stabbing Tories from your own benches (at least one of which you’ve fired for abstaining – your adviser, Jesse Norman, who no doubt will think twice next time he tries to vote with his conscience), you’d be doing a bit of a Churchill round about now, cigar in one hand, Nick Clegg’s balls in the other.

Apologies for the crudeness, my darling, I’m just glad to see you’ve got Nick back to his original program spec. Did you execute a factory reset? (I’d love to know where his buttons are.) Well, he seems to be right behind this rather “sinister” (so opponents have started calling it) anti-lobbying bill. I guess you had to try and address the many concerns and accusations of policy interference regarding your own campaign adviser, Lynton Crosby, whose commercial interests have been linked with the about-turn on plain cigarette packaging and the tax breaks given to shale gas companies.

The steps you took with the bill to address these concerns I really must say is the work of an utter genius. I mean I knew you had a magnificent head on you, but you really have surpassed yourself this time. Not only will the bill only cover about 1% of lobbying activity – ignoring Crosby and all the other rather dubious activities of in-house company men that it was originally intended to address – it redefines what lobbying actually is, encompassing things like charity campaigning, blogging and organised protest. If a single organisation is going to undertake any activity that could possibly affect the way people will vote and that activity was to cost in excess of £5,000, (which could involve staffing, transport, catering, you name it) then it could be seen as carrying out an illegal activity! You’ve been accused of cheating and you respond, quite literally, by telling them to “shut up”. How utterly dominating and masterful. You’ve made me go all weak.

If you can get around those blasted internet filters that blocked over 300,000 attempts to access porn sites on MP’s computers last year, I wouldn’t mind introducing you to a website or two. You’d make a fine Master.

Katy Anchant


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