28th September 2013

http://anotherangryvoice.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/making-work-pay-fallacy.html http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/conservative/10337278/Conservative-Party-Conference-2013-full-agenda.html

My little button mushroom,

I know you haven’t had much of a chance to read my letters lately as you’ve undoubtedly been getting all geared up for the Conservative Party conference this weekend. How exciting! And what an agenda!

Giddy’s going to talk about how he singlehandedly wrestled the economy from the brink of death in the longest fight for recovery in recorded history. And he’s going to point out that the upward trend is set to continue, to magnificent applause. Three cheers! Mind you, he’s unlikely to say that the only way he’s going to achieve this is by selling-off public property, like Royal Mail and Lloyds Bank, just a bit at a time – like adding wood to the fire. Hopefully he won’t run out of timber by the 2015 election. You’ll help him, darling won’t you?

Michael Gove is undoubtedly going to talk about how the fantastic changes he’s made have added to the public purse. Like the selling off of 50 playing school fields in just three years and the privatisation (sorry, “academisation”) of well over half the country’s secondary schools, thereby putting their facilities and grounds into government hands, making them ripe for the selling too. Of course, in the audience there’ll most likely be major Tory party donors, Philip Harris (of Harris Academies) and John Nash (of Future Academies) – nudge, nudge – who’ll no doubt give dear Pob a standing ovation.

Iain will be there too, of course, with a speech entitled “Making Work Pay”. He’ll most probably use this speech to point out how the raising of the tax threshold has given working people a whole new lease on life (and not merely just enough to get one extra kebab a week) and that the only people being punished, sorry not punished, ‘encouraged’ with cuts are the ones lying in bed all day with Pot Noodles and a remote control. He probably won’t mention the fact that the majority of the people affected by the cuts are already in work, and his cuts to Working Tax Credit, Child Tax Credit, Housing Benefit, Child Benefit, Maternity Pay, Paternity Pay, Council Tax Benefit and Statutory Sick Pay has reduced the income to 90% of families with children, in or out of work.

Grant Shapps will open the conference but probably won’t mention that the UN rejected his complaint about that Rolnik woman, who obviously had a bias. How else would you explain someone standing up for the human rights of disabled people?

And you, well you darling, I’m sure you’ll just knock them dead.

Katy Anchant

Advertisements

25th September 2013

http://www.ifaonline.co.uk/ifaonline/news/2296593/miliband-cameron-strong-with-the-weak-and-weak-with-the-strong
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/09/23/ed-balls-david-cameron_n_3974754.html?utm_hp_ref=uk
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/24/iron-balls-argument-rigged-by-ories?INTCMP=ILCNETTXT3487

Durable Dave,

Head Millipede is talking about you again. And right after Balls took a pop at you too. It does seem a little childish to use the Labour Party conference to talk about the size of your beach towel. Don’t worry though, it’s the Conservative party conference coming up this weekend and you can have the Cleggbot talk about how small Ed’s willy is or how much better your ministerial VIP concierge limo service is than his. In fact, I bet your wife could kick his wife’s butt in a mud wrestle. In fact, that would be so much more entertaining than the usual mud-slinging.

You can kind of rest easy though knowing that Ed doesn’t really have any policies of his own but rather just anti-YOU policies. His catchphrase seems to be “anything you can do I can say bollocks to.” You are the PM who introduces the bedroom tax. He is the wannabe PM who would repeal the bedroom tax. How catchy is that? (Of course he also wants to introduce an overall benefits cap. I guess he thought everyone had forgotten about that.) But mind you, he also wants to raise the minimum wage, remove tax cuts for millionaires, reform the banks, stop tax avoidance, set up a green investment bank, and repeal the NHS Act. Muppet.

Anyway, Ed is an idiot. How dare he say you’re “strong at standing up to the weak, but weak at standing up to the strong”. Doesn’t that apply to everyone? I mean, if you had to pick someone to have a fight with do you pick the fat kid in glasses or the captain of the school cricket team? As for your friends, well, if Starbucks were the most popular girl in class and the single mother with fibromyalgia were the gypsy, who would anyone rather be friends with? After all, with Starbucks you get invited to the awesome parties, and with the gypsy you sit around drinking tea and watching Eastenders, and after all darling, you, like every other male in the UK, are only a man. They say that behind every great man stands an even greater woman darling, and here I am behind you. Always from behind.

Katy Anchant

21st September 2013

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/david-cameron-pictured-asleep-bed-2286960 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-13170015 http://www.leftfootforward.org/2013/09/labour-to-scrap-bedroom-tax/ http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/the-bedroom-tax-the-tories-idea-of-fairness-that-could-yet-return-to-haunt-them-8827142.html http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/exclusive-50000-people-are-now-facing-eviction-after-bedroom-tax-8825074.html

Dreamy Dave,

Awww, that picture of you barefoot on the bed, fast asleep, with the confidential red box (that you almost lost on the train earlier in the day) safe by your side, is the sweetest thing I think I’ve ever seen. You sleep so nobly, so manly, legs crossed, arms behind your head. Unlike Ed, who snores like a donkey being mounted by a bus. I won’t tell you how I know that.
It’s the Labour Party conference this weekend and it’s being widely reported that Ed is going to announce a commitment to scrapping the bedroom tax. Sorry, there I go using that phrase again. That Rolnik woman was really told off for using it too, but I will say in her defence that any visitor to the UK would be confused, because the only people in the whole country that aren’t calling it that are members of your own party. Oh, and the BBC, who only call it that when they’re pointing out how wrong everyone else is.
I hesitate to say, but the name you give it, ‘the withdrawal of the spare room subsidy’, is also quite wrong too. Don’t hate me, but by calling it that, wouldn’t there have to actually be something called the ‘spare room subsidy’? In fact, in a way, it does kind of exist for people who live in private properties on their own, as they’re given a 25% reduction in council tax. Now, if you took THAT away, then you could certainly call it ‘the withdrawal of spare room subsidy’. No, the correct term, according to legislation, is the Under-Occupancy Penalty.
I really wish I could help you with this one darling, as I know it’s definitely having the desired effect in terms of kicking the lazy plebs out of their homes, especially in prime London locations. Apparently, 50,000 people in just a third of local authorities are now facing eviction. The full UK figure could currently be as high as 150,000 and that’s only going to get bigger as one in three are now in rent arrears. Nobody quite believes the line anymore that it’s to make bigger homes available, (as 96% of people affected have nowhere to move to) or that it’s to make things fairer (as I’ve already pointed out that sole private owners actually DO get a spare room subsidy), so although you know I’m right behind you, it might be best you just let this one go.
But hopefully, by the time you have to scrap it, there’ll be plenty of large, vacant, valuable properties adding to the portfolios of your investor buddies, and there’ll be plenty of people owing millions to payday lenders which would benefit some of your friends greatly, like your ex-senior adviser Jonathan Luff who left last year to work for Wonga, like ex-Tory MP Sir Gerald Howarth, who now works for QuickQuid, or like major Tory party donor Adrian Beecroft, chairman of Wonga’s parent company.
One thing’s for sure, you’ve made a lot of people very happy and there’ll always be a very special place for you at The Board of Katy Anchant after your term’s up. Plus my bed is far more comfortable.

Katy Anchant

19th September 2013

http://www.standard.co.uk/panewsfeeds/benefit-cheats-could-get-10-years-8818235.html http://blogs.channel4.com/factcheck/factcheck-qa-benefit-fraud-perspective/15796 http://www.greenbenchesuk.com/2013/09/79-of-convicted-tax-fraudsters-never.html http://metro.co.uk/2013/09/18/hs2-consultants-for-high-speed-rail-line-on-track-to-pocket-500m-4050494/

Decisive Dave,

My darling, how utterly incredible and delightful for you that your minions keep coming up with new ways of keeping the blame for all of the nation’s problems on the poor. It’s the director of public prosecutions this time, keeping the focus on the scroungers, by raising the level of seriousness and also the penalty, on benefit fraud, so that the crime is now classed alongside offences such as money laundering and banking fraud, and now holds a maximum penalty of ten years. It’s a move that you’ve been quoted as saying you “warmly approve” of. And well you should.

Ten years may seem like a stiff penalty, what with the average sentence for rape and manslaughter being around seven or eight years and 79% of tax evaders escaping jail altogether, but benefit fraud is a serious crime that needs special focus right now. Did you know that £1.9bn is lost to these feckless fraudsters every year? That’s an incredible amount of money. The fact that £3.4bn is lost through administrative errors and anywhere between £32bn and £70bn is lost to tax evasion is all the more reason why we need to save as much money as we possibly can. Still, at least there is some comfort in the fact that around £12.3bn goes completely unclaimed too. All that money could go to far more worthy causes, don’t you think? The new High Speed rail project for instance.

The HS2 could cut the journey time between London and Birmingham by a whole twenty minutes and may only end up costing the taxpayer £80bn. Bargain. I would, however, have a look again at the consultants hired to estimate the cost, as their original estimate was about £32bn. In fact, they’re the same company who overestimated HS2’s benefits by £8bn and underestimated the cost of the Olympics by £7bn. So if you want to replace them, I’m a pretty good estimator myself – I guessed the number of jelly beans in a jar at my kids’ school fete once and won a jar of jelly beans! Still, they work hard and get on, which is why they’re worth every penny of their £500m consultancy fee.

Incidentally, your free school meals initiative cost a whole £100m more than that so it’s good to see your heart and your priorities are still in the right place. Personally, I sleep better at night knowing my taxes are safe in your wonderfully smooth hands.

Katy Anchant

18th September 2013

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newsvideo/uk-politics-video/10315935/Nick-Clegg-announces-free-school-meals-plan.html
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10313142/Five-reasons-why-women-and-especially-mothers-dont-like-David-Cameron.html
http://www.24dash.com/news/central_government/2013-08-28-women-biggest-victims-in-coalitions-welfare-blitz

Delicious Dave,

Well done on doing something about regaining your popularity among the mums of Great Britain by giving their kids free school meals. Hurrah! Mind you, if school dinners are anything like they were when I was a kid, it could just as easily be seen as you victimising the poor again. Just joking darling, of course. But how nice of you letting Nick have that little concession. I know he wanted free school meals for everyone and not just for the first three years of schoolers, but really, you don’t want to overdo it. I mean, you don’t want the Lib Dems getting more votes than you come next election. I can just see it now, Tories 3, Lib Dems 4. You just can’t let that happen.

This was such a timely masterstroke, as it did just recently come to light that women apparently don’t like you anymore! Specifically mums. A headline in the Telegraph read “Five reasons why women (and especially mothers) don’t like David Cameron”. I was shocked and stunned. And after all you’ve done for them too! They really ought to – how did you put it? – “calm down, dear”. What have they got to complain about? Okay, so the changes to welfare spending have impacted on women more than anyone else – like cutting child benefits, cutting child tax credits, reducing tax credit cover for childcare, limiting sure start maternity grants to the first child only, getting rid of the child trust fund, abolition of the health in pregnancy grant, moving single parents of children as young as five off income support and onto JSA, the benefits cap, the bedroom tax – but all of this can now just be forgotten about because they’re getting free school meals! But you know they’ll still complain, the ungrateful wenches. Do they not realise that by taking away the money they need to live on and substituting that with Spam and beans, those kids will learn the value of aspiration, hard work and “getting on”? So what if mummy can’t be around for them so much anymore, (as mummy is far more use to society in Poundland than she could ever be at home) at least they’ll no longer be malnourished. You kind, caring, compassionate man.

Now, if only you’d done this when my kids were young enough to benefit, you would’ve saved them from years of my homemade cheese flan. Poor things.

Katy Anchant

14th September 2013

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-24077795
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/jobseeker-ad-for-lap-dancers-breaks-government-ban-8745589.html
http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/sep/06/uk-lowest-paid-classed-not-working-enough
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/spending-review/10146659/5bn-Work-Programme-worse-than-doing-nothing.html

Undeniable Dave,

Darling, I am sorry for you, I really am. This week clearly seems to be the week to be hounded by foreigners. First that Rolnik woman and then that Jose Manuel Barroso, (seriously, how foreign can you get) thinking they know anything about our great country. How dare he compare the Tories to UKIP? OK, so they’re similar in that they want to cut benefits, get out of Europe, deregulate everything, bring tax down for millionaires and make immigration almost impossible, but apart from all that, the Tories are a completely different party! And don’t even get me started on that Rolnik woman, thinking she knows anything about human suffering and pain. I bet she’s never had to travel from Purley to Westminster in a cab during rush hour while bursting for the loo.

I was gladdened though, to hear that Iain is starting to do something about the working benefits bill. I mean it’s all well and good kicking the bone idle plebs off the dole for not being able to use a computer or for not applying for that jobcentre website vacancy as a lap dancer at Sugar & Spice in Norwich (yes, it was actually advertised and I would’ve applied myself had it been local, as it is actually a job one can do sitting down), but a huge amount of the benefits purse is being doled out to working people. In fact, the majority of people in poverty in the UK are from working households. That’s about 6.1 million people. That’s 6.1 million potential cap-in-hand scroungers who aren’t earning enough. People earning below the minimum wage mark of under £950 per month because of poor pay, inability to get more hours, zero-hour contracts or just plain bad luck, Iain is proposing putting THEM on work programmes too, with tasks to carry out and ‘training’ to complete, putting them under the same threat of sanctions. What genius! That should cut the bill in half!

But could I just make one small suggestion. It has been mentioned that the work programme he came up with was so inefficient that it was statistically worse than doing nothing at all. So – and please make this suggestion to Iain as delicately as you can – why don’t you actually do nothing! Scrap the work programme, stop all the paperwork, stop paying out huge sums to private agencies, some of whom you know are already on the fiddle, and you’ll save all that money and the plebs will find work all by themselves, and at a faster rate than they would if they had Iain’s ‘help’. It’s a win / win. Of course, you can if you want, still hire friends and relatives to ‘do nothing’. Like Iain Duncan-Smith’s wife. Or indeed Iain Duncan-Smith. Just kidding, we both know what a hard worker he is, though I must admit that I do sometimes wish he would do nothing a bit more.

As always, I wholeheartedly volunteer my own services. I could nothing all day! And I’d quite happily do it while in your ministerial chambers.

Katy Anchant

13th September 2013

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-24053718
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2418204/Raquel-Rolnik-A-dabbler-witchcraft-offered-animal-sacrifice-Marx.html
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/bedroom-tax-truth-ignored-government-2267884
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/bedroom-tax-costing-more-saves-2214198

Diligent Dave,

I must admit, I had been a little worried recently by that upstart UN investigator, Raquel Rolnik, throwing a spotlight on the bedroom tax. (I know I should stop calling it that, but really, isn’t a brand new bill coming through the letterbox from the government, demanding money and offering nothing in return, a tax?) But I needn’t worry, really. Your heavies, including Grant Shapps, seem to have everything under control. I admire the tactic. You invite her over; you refuse her requests for meetings with senior ministers of the DWP including Iain Duncan-Smith; and then publically deride her for not meeting with senior ministers of the DWP including Iain Duncan-Smith.

Shapps added that she couldn’t possibly know what she’s talking about because she’s “just a woman from Brazil”. Well, the woman may now have in her possession a couple of boxes full of people’s real life accounts of the actual impact of the tax (courtesy of a few pain-in-the-bum laptavist friends of mine, sorry about that) but he is right, there’s no way she can possibly know what she’s talking about.

The Mail Online took the criticism about seven hundred steps further by publishing – and I nearly wet myself when I saw this – the headline “Raquel Rolnik: A dabbler in witchcraft who offered an animal sacrifice to Marx”. It’s almost as if they took a past article on mass murderer Anders Breivik and just substituted the name. I’m glad to see they’ve still got your back.

Anyway, despite being shouted at on TV chat shows by Tory MPs, criticised openly, and character assassinated by right-wing media, she is set to make a recommendation to her bosses to shut down your beloved benefits cap and bedroom tax. You simply can’t let that happen, darling, not after all the hard work you’ve put into making people believe that this is actually taking the benefits bill down, when in reality the amount spent on housing benefit is set to rise about £1.5 billion year on year for the next three years. Well, as long as it’s all going to those hard-working private landlords and not into the pockets of the plebs, we can all rest easy.

Apparently, this Raquel doesn’t have to actually file her report until March, so plenty of time for all of this to blow over, and who knows, with all that time and a little help from your media pals, you might even be able to get her drowned for being a witch. But on second thoughts, even that might be covered by some freedom of religion act or something. Oh, damn these human rights.

Katy Anchant