29th August 2013


My Commander in Chief,

How wretched for you, my dear! You recall Parliament four days early, you get the boys and girls up from their massage tables and sun loungers so you can discuss going to war, you get on the phone to Obama, (or Barry, I imagine you like to call him) and all for what? For Ed bloody Millibot to finally come up with an independent thought and put a halt to the proceedings. Who would’ve thought it? Someone must’ve added some round balls to the Plasticine man! He wants incontrovertible proof. He wants a second vote. He wants backing from the UN Security Council. He wants a bloody slap is what he wants!

I have to be honest here, I don’t really know much about Syria, but if my memory serves me correctly, there’s been a civil war there for a very long time now, resulting in over a hundred thousand deaths, including many innocent civilians. Hundreds of thousands more have been displaced and many have died in destitution. Forgive me if I’m wrong, darling, and I do hate to side with Mr Potato Ed, but wouldn’t piling in there now on the grounds of some humanitarian response to chemical weapons seem a little disingenuous at this late stage? Yes, I realise that chemical weapons have been deemed illegal by international law, but darling, without the conclusive evidence, isn’t this Bliar, Bush and his WMDs all over again? And look where that got him. (Actually, apart from being threatened with war crimes, he got a pretty lucrative book deal, but that’s not the point.)

To dissuade the public from this train of thought, I saw your wonderful speech about how our response would be specifically limited to the chemical weapons attacks and it would be in the form of some long-range missile strikes and not be about “boots on the ground.” Now, again, this is just me thinking off the top of my head, but do you think firing a missile or two into Syria would make Assad just down the sarin gas (if it was him) and say “Oops, sorry, did I use chemical weapons? My bad.”

I do realise there is a much bigger picture here that I we are not all privy to – perhaps concerning neutralising Syria’s ability to help Iran in a fight, (a fight that the US haven’t quite managed to start yet despite years of trying) – but I know what you really want is to secure a place in history by Obama’s side, like Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. It’d make a great poster.

It is a pity though that you’re unlikely to get a unanimous vote on it as Russia happen to be on the UN Security Council and apparently just walked out on the meeting yesterday saying, “The West handles the Islamic world the way a monkey handles a grenade.” You just ignore them, darling. Monkeys are very intelligent creatures and can be trained to do almost anything.

Katy Anchant


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