23rd August 2013


My dazzling Dave,

Darling, may I first say how sorry I am I haven’t written in over a week. I’ve not been very well. But yes, I know it’s no excuse, but I have been thinking about you.

You just so happen to be on a beach today in Cornwall, the very place I had my honeymoon. The pictures seem to be all over the internet – you trying to pull your shorts on under a Mickey Mouse towel – and I have to say, my love, if you don’t mind, that I see you haven’t paid much attention to my advice about avoiding those extra ministerial lunches. But that’s fine, as long as you stay under the dark glasses, (as the Telegraph points out) you do look a little like Steven Seagal. Though, I would add, it’s kind of a cross between Steven Seagal and Patrick the Starfish. Though you’re still far better looking than Ed who looks a little like a Play-Doh stop-motion character.

The papers do seem to be focussing on the fact that this seems to be your fourth holiday this year. To be honest, I’m rather appalled that you have to work at all. Doesn’t being boss mean you can allocate? Of course it does, which is why, thankfully, we’re not seeing pictures of IDS in clinging swimming shorts with the sun shining from his magnificent dome. No. In your absence, he seems to be adequately taking care of the social cleansing of London with new figures revealing that over 96% of people penalised by the bedroom tax don’t have anywhere to move to. Bravo. Also, we’re not seeing pictures of Michael Gove with his head wrapped in a towel enjoying a Thai massage, because he’s been busying himself making sure that he’s adequately reducing the number of students passing exams. (After all, although some success should be afforded to the plebs, we all know the top echelon of society needs to be reserved for the ones with the right pedigree and the money to pay for it.) Also, the police seem to have the task well in hand of handling law-breaking, placard waving troublemakers like Green Party MP, Caroline Lucas, while you continue to go about your stalwart efforts to champion fracking, despite the abandonment of its usage in the whole of the EU apart from Poland. And that’s only because there’s no-one left in Poland to complain! 🙂

So you have a wonderful time there, my angel. And don’t worry, there’ll still be plenty of welfare state left to destroy and pleb families to kick out of their homes when you get back.

But do keep an eye on those lunches, darling.

Katy Anchant


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