29th August 2013


My Commander in Chief,

How wretched for you, my dear! You recall Parliament four days early, you get the boys and girls up from their massage tables and sun loungers so you can discuss going to war, you get on the phone to Obama, (or Barry, I imagine you like to call him) and all for what? For Ed bloody Millibot to finally come up with an independent thought and put a halt to the proceedings. Who would’ve thought it? Someone must’ve added some round balls to the Plasticine man! He wants incontrovertible proof. He wants a second vote. He wants backing from the UN Security Council. He wants a bloody slap is what he wants!

I have to be honest here, I don’t really know much about Syria, but if my memory serves me correctly, there’s been a civil war there for a very long time now, resulting in over a hundred thousand deaths, including many innocent civilians. Hundreds of thousands more have been displaced and many have died in destitution. Forgive me if I’m wrong, darling, and I do hate to side with Mr Potato Ed, but wouldn’t piling in there now on the grounds of some humanitarian response to chemical weapons seem a little disingenuous at this late stage? Yes, I realise that chemical weapons have been deemed illegal by international law, but darling, without the conclusive evidence, isn’t this Bliar, Bush and his WMDs all over again? And look where that got him. (Actually, apart from being threatened with war crimes, he got a pretty lucrative book deal, but that’s not the point.)

To dissuade the public from this train of thought, I saw your wonderful speech about how our response would be specifically limited to the chemical weapons attacks and it would be in the form of some long-range missile strikes and not be about “boots on the ground.” Now, again, this is just me thinking off the top of my head, but do you think firing a missile or two into Syria would make Assad just down the sarin gas (if it was him) and say “Oops, sorry, did I use chemical weapons? My bad.”

I do realise there is a much bigger picture here that I we are not all privy to – perhaps concerning neutralising Syria’s ability to help Iran in a fight, (a fight that the US haven’t quite managed to start yet despite years of trying) – but I know what you really want is to secure a place in history by Obama’s side, like Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. It’d make a great poster.

It is a pity though that you’re unlikely to get a unanimous vote on it as Russia happen to be on the UN Security Council and apparently just walked out on the meeting yesterday saying, “The West handles the Islamic world the way a monkey handles a grenade.” You just ignore them, darling. Monkeys are very intelligent creatures and can be trained to do almost anything.

Katy Anchant



28th August 2013

Glorious Dave,

I must again apologise for the gaps in my letter writing. I am indeed on the mend but ME can be a little unpredictable. But I really can’t complain. Although I suffer from an incurable and frustrating illness, some of my friends do suffer worse conditions and to be honest, I’m getting a bit fed up constantly hearing about it!

I try to be a good friend but it really is tiresome sometimes to hear time and time again that despite their progressive illnesses like cystic fibrosis, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s or rheumatoid arthritis, (the very conditions that forced them out of work in the first place) they’ve been told that they’ll recover enough to find work. In fact, around 40% of claimants with incurable and progressive conditions have been found fit for work in the last three years. And are they grateful for this wonderful news? No. But they should be! You see, illness is just a state of mind.

The DWP’s stance is that if you put yourself to work and think positively, miraculous things can happen. This is why I am determined to keep up my correspondence and show you my support. I hope that by by mere association with you, I will one day fully recover and take my place among all the strivers who want to work hard and get on.

Unfortunately, the miracle doesn’t always happen, and despite assurances from such champions of positivity like Atos (whose boss is on £44k a week), the stubborn beggars continue to stay sick, which is why about 50% of them have had to turn to high-rate credit cards and payday lenders for essentials such as food and clothing. What better way to transfer money from those that don’t deserve it to the ones that do – the financial institutions of this great country. In fact, with new laws that you brought into effect in May, you’ve now made it easier for creditors to get charging orders to force the sale of a debtor’s house for debts as little as £1,000. Although most will probably not end up having to actually sell their homes as many of them actually end up dead within a few weeks of losing their benefit.

Well, at least it means my inbox gets a little more manageable. See, I do appreciate how you’re always looking out for me.

Katy Anchant

23rd August 2013


My dazzling Dave,

Darling, may I first say how sorry I am I haven’t written in over a week. I’ve not been very well. But yes, I know it’s no excuse, but I have been thinking about you.

You just so happen to be on a beach today in Cornwall, the very place I had my honeymoon. The pictures seem to be all over the internet – you trying to pull your shorts on under a Mickey Mouse towel – and I have to say, my love, if you don’t mind, that I see you haven’t paid much attention to my advice about avoiding those extra ministerial lunches. But that’s fine, as long as you stay under the dark glasses, (as the Telegraph points out) you do look a little like Steven Seagal. Though, I would add, it’s kind of a cross between Steven Seagal and Patrick the Starfish. Though you’re still far better looking than Ed who looks a little like a Play-Doh stop-motion character.

The papers do seem to be focussing on the fact that this seems to be your fourth holiday this year. To be honest, I’m rather appalled that you have to work at all. Doesn’t being boss mean you can allocate? Of course it does, which is why, thankfully, we’re not seeing pictures of IDS in clinging swimming shorts with the sun shining from his magnificent dome. No. In your absence, he seems to be adequately taking care of the social cleansing of London with new figures revealing that over 96% of people penalised by the bedroom tax don’t have anywhere to move to. Bravo. Also, we’re not seeing pictures of Michael Gove with his head wrapped in a towel enjoying a Thai massage, because he’s been busying himself making sure that he’s adequately reducing the number of students passing exams. (After all, although some success should be afforded to the plebs, we all know the top echelon of society needs to be reserved for the ones with the right pedigree and the money to pay for it.) Also, the police seem to have the task well in hand of handling law-breaking, placard waving troublemakers like Green Party MP, Caroline Lucas, while you continue to go about your stalwart efforts to champion fracking, despite the abandonment of its usage in the whole of the EU apart from Poland. And that’s only because there’s no-one left in Poland to complain! 🙂

So you have a wonderful time there, my angel. And don’t worry, there’ll still be plenty of welfare state left to destroy and pleb families to kick out of their homes when you get back.

But do keep an eye on those lunches, darling.

Katy Anchant

13th August 2013

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-23662583 http://keeptapwatersafe.org/global-bans-on-fracking/ http://www.independent.co.uk/environment/green-living/government-backtracks-on-fracking-7768853.html http://anotherangryvoice.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/fracking-tories-osborne-howell-browne.html

My champion fracker,

I’m so glad to see you’ve taken the reins of the whole fracking thing, urging the people to get behind it, promising them injections of cash for their communities, lower bills and more jobs. I suppose it’s just a shame that there’s so much evidence out there that contradicts the idyllic picture of this wealth of natural resources actually creating wealth for ordinary residents too, with experts from right across the political spectrum agreeing that it won’t lead to lower bills at all, added to the fact that throughout history, practically the only people who truly benefit in any sustainable manner from resource extraction are those who own the drills.

Although fracking is a fairly new topic of conversation for the BBC, it’s been a hot topic in the rest of the world for a while now. I suppose it’s a good job that so many people don’t bother with the news these days – what with so many of them having to deal with bigger issues, like how they’re going to feed themselves – because if they did, they’d know that in the last two years many, many countries have issued bans on fracking – France, Bulgaria, Romania, South Africa, Germany, Czech Republic, Australia, in fact, almost everywhere fracking has been used, it’s also been banned. Even the UK government, (that’s you, my darling) only last May, rejected shale gas technology, conceding “it will do little to cut bills or keep the lights on”. But now, all of a sudden, it’s a good idea?. Did Gideon’s father-in-law, Lord Howell – lobbyist for the fossil fuel industry – have something to do with this? I can just imagine poor Giddy getting a good ‘talking to’ in his chambers. I suppose it also doesn’t help that Lord Browne, former chairman of BP, has also got many vested interests in fracking; along with Ian Taylor, a major Tory party donor and Chief Executive of Vitol; also Tory peer Sarah Hogg on the board of British Gas; and even your now infamous adviser Lynton Crosby who also works for a shale gas company, may all have had a hand in the whole fracking boom.

I think the only way to drive your message home is tell people how much richer their lives would be if they would just allow some good old fracking into their communities. Apart from blasting contaminated water deep into the ground with virtually no plan for what happens to the vast bulk of it afterwards, fracking is safe. Everyone should know it. It’s just the superstitious rest-of-the-world that has a problem with it. I love how you worded it, “International evidence shows there is no reason why the process should cause contamination of water supplies or other environmental damage, if properly regulated.”

You’re right of course, absolutely no reason why it should happen. So, of course that means it doesn’t happen. Right?

Katy Anchant

9 August 2013


My little Jack Horner,

I’m so sorry, but despite your attempts to block the publishing of the figures on Britain’s gap between the rich and the poor (even though at the time you were in talks with the UN about how to tackle world hunger) those figures have somehow come out anyway, and unfortunately, it’s been revealed that in the space of just a few short years of Tory rule, Britain has sharply plummeted to become the most unequal country in the Western world, with an economic divide as wide as Nigeria’s. The gap between the rich and poor is wider now than any time since the war. Apparently, according to the UN report, the poor in Britain now have to live on much the same incomes as their equivalents in Hungary and Korea.

Unfortunately, among the normal gelatinous pleb mass, this is actually treated as bad news.
I know, totally bonkers! It may be just the top 1% that are making money hand over fist, but it’s them who are boosting the economy, actually doubling growth in the last quarter, and driving Britain to a brighter financial future. The bottom feeders may be suffering a heavy drop in living standards and might be having to give up little luxuries like food and shelter, but it’s all necessary to get the economy moving again. Is Peter from Poole – struggling to pay his council tax while holding down a zero-hour contract job in Sports Direct – generating GDP? Is Charlotte from Chipping Norton – struggling to pay the bedroom tax – who spends all her time caring for her useless disabled partner, in any way helping Britain win the global race? No. As you so rightly proclaimed in the last PM’s Questions session, “Britain is getting stronger.” And it’s not because of Charlotte and Peter, it’s in spite of Charlotte and Peter.

You just ignore those naysayers, my love. Sacrifices just have to be made. In hard times, it’s really survival of the fittest. The economic figures (the only thing that truly matters) will continue to get better. The rich will thrive. The poor will perish.

Just as long they don’t do it on your lawn.

Katy Anchant

P.S. Oh dear. Nick’s on the phone again. He likes to call Auntie Katy. Mid-life crisis, you see. Nothing he does seems to matter or make a difference blah-de-blah, etc. Yawn. Bless him.

7th August 2013


My PM for Life,

I read on the news today that you plan to do something about the high cost of premium rate complaints and enquiries lines – numbers like 0845 – and are going to implement a cap come June 2014. Well done, you. The plan has been highly praised both by consumer groups and by MPs. Isn’t it great when the EU initiates a directive that makes you look good?

In the same article, I did spot something that made me chuckle though, and I’m sure you and IDS must’ve had a right laugh at this – it doesn’t have to apply to government numbers! This includes, of course, the disability benefits enquiries line which will remain an 0845 number. Though if you want to enquire about VAT, Capital Gains Tax, National Insurance, or the cost of hiring a Romanian to look after your paddock, well those are all normal rate, which also means they can be completely free if you’re using a mobile phone with inclusive minutes. If on the other hand, you need to call to see if your Work Capability Assessment form arrived on time, well that could cost you up to 41p per minute.

According to the National Audit Office, the taxpayer spent £56 million on higher rate numbers to government departments last year, and that the poor and vulnerable were most at risk as they were the ones more likely to be using expensive pay-as-you-go mobile phones, where the cost of calling 0845 numbers is substantially higher. For me personally, calling, and being on hold at that number, cost me about an arm and a leg last year. I’m not complaining though. That’ll cost me even more. 🙂

I am glad that you’re still reinforcing the idea that it is just not acceptable to be disabled in this day and age. And good for you. If you keep discouraging it, then I’m sure more people will just stop doing it.

Your biggest fan,

Katy Anchant

6th August 2013


Hello flower!

It was with a troubled heart that I read about the problems IDS and the folk at the DWP are having with Universal Credit. I do understand that you want people to “work hard and get on” but it’s been revealed in The Guardian (they just let anyone write stuff online these days – better hurry up with those internet filters) that the argument that Universal Credit will make work pay is one giant, big fat pork pie!

According to a recent analysis, Universal Credit (when eventually rolled out) will be much harsher on workers than the current system. Because of the steep rate in which benefits are withdrawn from people who do manage to find more work, families who work full-time will find themselves with less money than if they work part-time! The report revealed that if a single parent with two children works a day and a half on minimum wage, she takes home, with the credit, £268. But if she decides to work three days a week, she only earns £6 more. If she goes full-time, she’s even worse off, with £2 less! Additionally, if one parent is working a full-time job on say £346 per week minimum wage, if the other gets a full-time job, their income only goes up by £29. It not only makes the whole reasoning behind Universal Credit a lie, it does the absolute opposite in terms of trying to create an incentive for people to find work.

I can only guess that the idea is to create a system in which 100% of the population are working at least two hours a week, which would bring the unemployment figures down to zero, which would make you look great for the next election! It’s a fine idea, darling, but might I suggest Fructis Nutri-Repair Fortify and Shine Shampoo. It’ll do wonders for you and it won’t destroy people’s lives. Just a thought.

Katy Anchant