23rd July 2013


My little cherub,
Ooh, a baby! A good photo opportunity, darling, but really, how boring, I’d rather talk about porn. 😉
So you’ve gone from having meetings with internet service providers to stamp out illegal images involving children, to putting a curb on all porn. That was fast work, my love. By the end of the year, every UK household establishing a new internet connection will be automatically blocked from viewing pornography. You will have to call your internet service provider, admit that you are a disgusting, rather deviant individual, and specifically request they disable your default porn filters. And this will then be rolled out to all current users too. You’ve made porn an optional extra! And there was me thinking the internet was primarily FOR porn.

Seeing as the police already have a massive task force already stamping out paedophile rings and illegal online content, this extra measure I can only assume is meant to stop the amateur paedophile – the average Google user who is just trying his hand at it, as it were. Because, that’s where it all starts, of course. First it’s celebrity nipple slips, then page 3, then voyeur pictures, then before you know it, they’re wondering the toy section in Wilkinsons with their hands down their pants. It’s a slippery slope.
Anyway, by now exercising the power to make whole web pages illegal, and getting service providers to block them, it’s one step closer to stamping out the laptavists for good. Well done, you.

But I am glad you’re looking out for the moral wellbeing of our children (their physical wellbeing obviously being another matter, with child poverty set to rise to 1 in 4 by 2020 as result of your policies). But I do envisage a slight problem in that you’ve now made images of rape illegal. Seeing as rape is sex without consent, how can a picture accurately depict this? You see, my pain face and my pleasure face are sometimes quite indistinguishable, a fact you should already know, you dirty devil. Or would the image have to be of a person restrained? But then, would that make me a criminal by keeping my collection of Photoshopped images of you tied up, or would that make you a criminal by keeping hold of the ones I’ve sent you of me tied to a chair? Although, I don’t think I’d mind if you had to have me arrested, especially if it was you who had to put me in cuffs.

Naughty boy.

Katy Anchant


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