9th July 2013


My champion,

Although, as much of the media was saying, it was the first time in 77 years a Brit had won Wimbledon, (not counting Virginia Wade of course, because she was just a woman) and, although the whole of the UK was watching to cheer on our boy, I turned on my telly just because I knew you would be there. I spied you looking a little distracted during the match. It reminded me a little of when the Professors in Hogwarts were using their powers to alter the outcome of a Quidditch game. Were you using your divine influence for the good of our nation? Some of his volley returns did seem a little superhuman. Of course, it could all just be my imagination. But it really was just about the best news we could have right about now what with the upsurge of dissatisfaction with the government.

With the public overwhelmingly against the privatisation of Royal Mail, together with 96% of postal workers, you’re going ahead and doing it anyway. With every respected economist, the IMF, the UK public, The Bank of England governor, the EU parliament Speaker, the statistics, my dentist, all warning against austerity measures, you continue regardless. With evidence that 90% of benefit claimants will be unprepared for the Universal Credit rollout in October – considering the many thousands who don’t have bank accounts that allow direct debits and the thousands more who cannot manage their accounts online – and the fact that wherever the new system was tested, it produced astounding rises in rent arrears and eviction notices, you carry on unperturbed. Despite the High Court ruling that found the spouse immigration rules “onerous and unjustified”, you continue to keep families apart. Despite the European Court ruling that found the mandatory work programme unlawful, many thriving businesses are still enjoying free labour with no intention of offering employment. Yes, I think the UK needed some good news which is why I’m so glad you managed to get yourself right in the middle of the action. You see, even if one is lacking in the same qualities, it does help to be associated with popularity and winning. I know that sounds a bit mean, darling. It’s not my intention. I just want people to realise that you are indeed a champion, perhaps not of the people, but of the bank balance of the country. You know what’s best and are willing to go against overwhelming public and expert opinion and stacks of opposing evidence to stick by your convictions. That’s the measure of a true champion, my lovely.

Wimbledon is the epitome of all that is good about this great country (apart from all those grunting foreigners), because even the ball boys are doing it for free you know. One day I hope to be there on Centre Court with my complimentary ticket from you, sharing a strawberry and laughing about the price of stamps.

Katy Anchant


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