30th July 2013


30th July 2013

Delicate Dave,

You must congratulate IDS for me. I just heard, the High Court ruling just came in. The ‘bedroom tax’ doesn’t breach Equality or Human Rights by disproportionately penalising disabled people. Yay. State handouts aren’t quite a human right just yet, eh Mr Balls? Maybe you don’t have to abolish the Human Rights Act after all, my love.

What a wonderful world we live in that you can pass a law that causes a proportion of people’s subsistence to be handed back to the state by deeming that they or their disabled child are using one room too many, regardless of their circumstances; you can introduce a levy that causes a massive rise in arrears and evictions; you can make cuts that force a massive increase in the number of families applying for extra help in the form of discretionary housing payments (more than 25,000 in one month alone) and leaves at least half a million people relying on food banks, you can make changes that overwhelmingly and disproportionately impact the living standards of the poor while doubling the number of £100,000 jobs in government and lowering tax for the highest earners (who already know full well how to dodge paying it in the first place); you can strip away necessities that you now deem too expensive, like legal aid, hip replacements and hospital A&E departments; you can suddenly make people pay for employment tribunals and appeals that they can’t afford if they happen to be treated badly by an employer; you can make sweeping changes that plunge hundreds of thousands of people into poverty, leaving them unable to support themselves or their families, leading to more young men dying each day as a result of suicide than by road accidents, HIV and assaults combined! What a wonderful world indeed.

It’s a cull and it’s completely legal. You and IDS and your boys at the DWP can do these things because there is no law that says “you can’t be an evil bastard”. And thank goodness for that because I fear if that were the case, the House of Commons would probably have to be locked up and the key thrown away.

But I’m really not calling you ‘evil’, darling. I do realise that in times of scarcity, one needs to prioritise. For instance, if it came down to it, if you had to choose between feeding the fish or feeding the cat, you would have to feed the cat. Or better still, feed the fish to the cat! I do understand. And I know that in your heart, you’re a good, kind man, capable of great compassion and empathy, albeit limited to the people on or around your payscale. But it’s a start, my love.

Katy Anchant


29th July 2013

29th July 2013

My Lord and Master,

You know how I’ve always said you should be in movies? Well, I heard George Lucas is going to be in town soon filming the new Star Wars film. If you ask, I’m sure there’ll still be a role for you, my lovely. You would be so amazing as a Dark Sith Lord. No-one would expect it, what with your cherubic features and real life soft heart.

What made me think of this – as well as all this talk of deviant porn recently and at having just watched Star Whores – was the fact that you can be such an evil genius! Who would ever have guessed that the rich minority could cause a global financial meltdown, place the blame on the poor majority, and then punish them for it? It’s better than any fiction!

You remind me a bit of Darth Vader (don’t worry, I always found Vader sexy, I think it was all that heavy breathing) in that the Death Star is built with such a gaping flaw that one mere photon torpedo causes it to explode! And Darth, who was second in command to the man charged with its construction, gets none of the blame. In fact, he gets promoted! By the time of the next movie, he’s not only still a Right Hon. Member of the Dark Side, he’s Secretary of State for Sports and Culture. And the poor minions in suits, charged with the Death Star’s protection, as well as a multitude of other activities like doing the Emperor’s laundry and formation calisthenics, well they take the blame for having to use valuable resources by having to eat and drink.

If you like, I can have a word with George. He owes me a little favour or two. Oh come on, who can blame me? The man has his own Boba Fett costume!

Katy Anchant

28th July 2013


My Master Builder,

Finally, some good news: Britain is “on the mend” according to George, with a 0.6% growth figure for the last three months. The fact that the austerity programme has so far missed every predicted target, deadline and outcome so far can be treated as old news because of this new statistic. The fact that many other Eurozone countries have managed full recovery to above pre-crisis levels some time ago while Britain is nowhere near, can also be ignored. The fact that in the last three years, Britain has only managed 2% growth, when it took only a single year to achieve the same amount under the previous government, is also irrelevant. What matters is, the boy did good. It’s finally coming together.

And I’m glad to see, as usual, you’re taking full credit for the good statistics while blaming all the bad ones on the “mess left behind by Labour”. Now darling, I know I’ve said it before, but that phrase is getting a bit old. In fact, even by saying that, I’m seriously stretching the definition of ‘old’. The coalition came to power in 2010 for heaven’s sake! To still be blaming the previous tenants for the mess is a bit like: you’re living in a house that a tornado (that travelled in from America) has ripped to bits, and has left a pile of rubble in the middle of the floor. The owners make a good start of cleaning up the mess, carting away the bricks, rebuilding a wall or two, but then new owners come in and, instead of carrying on with the clean-up, want to remodel, so start knocking down the new walls and begin to add to the pile of waste. They spend a huge amount of money but the mess remains largely untouched, in fact, they put up red rope around the pile, inviting people to look at it, “the mess left by Labour” like a piece of modern art in the living room. While in the same period of time, the neighbour’s houses on either side have already been rebuilt and have appeared in Better Homes magazine May edition, while the rebuilders of this home congratulate each other on the newly painted front door.

The tune really does have to change, darling, or in time to come MPs will be going on about the mess left behind by the previous government’s clean-up of the mess left behind by the previous government’s clean-up of the mess left behind by Labour. And seeing as it’s become the stock answer to every question put to you in Parliament, even Mr Speaker is starting to lose his rag a bit.

Well, perhaps the good news will put that old phrase to bed for good and we can start trying to wean you off “the people who want to work hard and get on”. No? Oh well, we can’t have everything. 

Katy Anchant

23rd July 2013


My little cherub,
Ooh, a baby! A good photo opportunity, darling, but really, how boring, I’d rather talk about porn. 😉
So you’ve gone from having meetings with internet service providers to stamp out illegal images involving children, to putting a curb on all porn. That was fast work, my love. By the end of the year, every UK household establishing a new internet connection will be automatically blocked from viewing pornography. You will have to call your internet service provider, admit that you are a disgusting, rather deviant individual, and specifically request they disable your default porn filters. And this will then be rolled out to all current users too. You’ve made porn an optional extra! And there was me thinking the internet was primarily FOR porn.

Seeing as the police already have a massive task force already stamping out paedophile rings and illegal online content, this extra measure I can only assume is meant to stop the amateur paedophile – the average Google user who is just trying his hand at it, as it were. Because, that’s where it all starts, of course. First it’s celebrity nipple slips, then page 3, then voyeur pictures, then before you know it, they’re wondering the toy section in Wilkinsons with their hands down their pants. It’s a slippery slope.
Anyway, by now exercising the power to make whole web pages illegal, and getting service providers to block them, it’s one step closer to stamping out the laptavists for good. Well done, you.

But I am glad you’re looking out for the moral wellbeing of our children (their physical wellbeing obviously being another matter, with child poverty set to rise to 1 in 4 by 2020 as result of your policies). But I do envisage a slight problem in that you’ve now made images of rape illegal. Seeing as rape is sex without consent, how can a picture accurately depict this? You see, my pain face and my pleasure face are sometimes quite indistinguishable, a fact you should already know, you dirty devil. Or would the image have to be of a person restrained? But then, would that make me a criminal by keeping my collection of Photoshopped images of you tied up, or would that make you a criminal by keeping hold of the ones I’ve sent you of me tied to a chair? Although, I don’t think I’d mind if you had to have me arrested, especially if it was you who had to put me in cuffs.

Naughty boy.

Katy Anchant

20th July 2013


20th July 2013

Light of my life,

Whoops. Lynton Crosby. Again. This time it’s emerged that he has ties to shale gas, just as you’ve given them all a tax break. It makes me think of some Denzel Washington film, where the government are corrupt and he saves the day and ends up being the president. Thank goodness that doesn’t happen in real life. I’ve never been a Denzel fan, personally.

Incidentally, I was so inspired reading today about the report on the Olympics, which says that the UK has enjoyed a £9.9bn boost in trade and investment thanks to our hosting of the games last year. (When in fact, the games pulled in 100,000 foreign tourists as opposed to the 300,000 expected in a typical summer, London attractions saw visitor numbers drop by 35%, hotel bookings were down and various businesses said that the tourist season was the worst in half a century.) What I’m inspired by, though, is the fact that you wrote the report yourselves, and this inspired me to write my own report on Katy’s Household Economy. I’m pleased to report darling that last week 95% of the washing was completed, and dinner was served on 100% of evenings. Add to this the fact that an eBay sale saw household income boosted by £4.50, and it’s an incredibly positive report that shows what a fantastic job I’m doing.

As I wrote the report myself, I neglected to include the fact that 95% of the washing is still in baskets waiting to be folded and put away, dinners consisted of Pop Tarts, pizza or beans on toast, and I had a slight accident in Wilkinsons and spent £35 which I couldn’t really afford (I mean really. I am basically on a crash diet so that my kids can eat. I call it the Austerity Diet. Best diet EVER). However, the Wilkinsons accident has seen lawn growth increase by 38.5%, so all in all a worthwhile investment, and 78% of my neighbours think I look great.

Katy Anchant

19th July 2013


My fave Dave,

People still haven’t stopped talking about the U-turn you made on plain tobacco packaging and the possible link with your campaign adviser. And now Ed wants to see some sort of internal inquiry. When asked in PM’s Questions if you actually talked to your mate about the decision on the change, you didn’t deny that you had conversed on the subject. But of course that doesn’t amount to ‘lobbying’, you just had a chat. Nothing wrong with that. Of course, he is just trying to deflect your recent jibes about all of his union lobbyist links. Just because unions represent at its heart, the interests of ordinary working people and not big businesses, it’s still lobbying, so he’s a fine one to talk.

In all honesty, though, the fact that every decision made in government is led by corporate or monetary interests is a plain and accepted truth. In just the last few weeks, many heretofore, debated and controversial decisions have been seamlessly passed or overturned in favour of the lobbyists of big business; tobacco packaging, alcohol pricing, new runways, planning laws on property; and today, you announced plans to more than halve the tax rate on shale gas firms, making the UK the most generous regime for shale gas in the world. In fact, there’s not a decision made that DOESN’T result in someone making a profit. And too right. If no-one stands to financially gain, then what is the fracking point?

But it’s okay, most of this is just accepted truth and barely makes the news these days. The Guardian found 38 firms that have had 700 private meetings with ministers, yet no-one is screaming “internal inquiry”. People seem to be more interested in the fact that Nick Clegg takes his shoes off at work to keep cool.

Darling, I would like to at this point remind you that I’m still available for any small office jobs that may need doing, and I generally remove far more than my shoes to keep cool.


Katy Anchant

17th July 2013


My sweet summer pudding,

No sooner has the benefit cap been rolled out and already Giddy is taking about lowering it, perhaps by another £6,000. Good for him. Of course, with the bulk of these benefits going directly into the pockets of comparatively rich landlords, it means the cap will only affect what’s left for food and bills after the rent’s been paid, thereby not harming the decent “working” folk in the least. That’ll get the riff raff out of all the nice areas. And if, like in the areas where Universal Credit are being trialled, the money isn’t going straight to the landlord, all those who signed tenancy agreements with these wasters will finally have cause to evict their scrounging butts. It’s all good.

Today I also read that Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps (what a wonderfully inebriated name) wants to cap child-related benefits at two children. He says it would “put them in the same position as working parents who cannot afford to have large families.” Quite right too. Although he may be forgetting that the majority of beneficiaries are actually working people. Even disregarding that fact, he is also assuming that people won’t ever be made redundant and find themselves in long periods of unemployment through no fault of their own. (Although the chances of that happening in this fine Tory-led country are remote, aren’t they?) I’m sure he wasn’t suggesting that if parents of more than two children were to suddenly lose their jobs, the third or fourth child could just be fed to the other two. Well, it was an article for the Daily Mail so I wouldn’t rule out anything.

You see, according to the readership of the Daily Mail, and according to the majority of your supporters, there are only two kinds of people in this country; those that pay their taxes and those that don’t. The fact that almost all of the ones that DON’T at some point DID is beside the point. Just because you may have worked in Rumblelows when you were seventeen, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything now. If you don’t pay tax, then you’re not ‘entitled’ to ANYTHING. Come to think of it, if you’re paying tax, then you’re in work, so, actually, you don’t need it. It’s an irrelevant system. Get rid of it! Oh, I see, you’re already doing that.

Did I mention that you’re entirely wonderful?

Katy Anchant