25th June 2013


My millionaire shortbread,

Darling, I really am starting to think you don’t love me. I understand that you have the economy to think about and that government departments are being asked to take 8 – 10% cuts, but with just one department spending over £100,000 on tea and biscuits in just three months, I think you could at least give me some paltry position in your Cabinet. In my opinion, I fear you may have been ripped off. That’s a lot to pay for tea and biscuits. Even M&S tea and biscuits. I could halve that bill at least. I’m sure there’s a Poundland not too far away from Whitehall.

Incidentally, it was Andrew Lansley’s department, former Secretary of Health, responsible for that bill. It’s a good job he’s no longer Secretary of Health – he’s Leader of the House of Commons. Jeremy Hunt – the man in the middle of the scandal involving the illegal activity that facilitated Rupert Murdoch’s takeover of BskyB – well, he became the new Health Secretary.

I’m so glad you don’t let these little misdemeanours get in the way of your friends’ careers. After all, everyone makes a mistake now and again. The British Medical Association aren’t so forgiving unfortunately, and have just passed a motion of no confidence in poor Jeremy. Well, you can’t blame them. It’s an instinctual reaction by them at having being told how much of a shit job they’re doing time and time again. In retaliation, (and in private) they call Jeremy Hunt something rather derogatory – but at least it rhymes.

You know, I think I would be most useful to you – as I’ve said before – in a more morale-boosting, entertaining-type way. The current MPs that you get to entertain are so far doing a very poor job. Just yesterday, Tory MP for Immigration, Mark Harper, broke his foot whilst trying to table-dance. I do realise you’re trying to save money, darling, but really, I wouldn’t charge that much and I’m sure I’d look a lot better in a thong than Mark.

Do think about it, my lovely.

Katy Anchant


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