24th June 2013


24th June 2013

My favourite spicy dip,

I hope you had a wonderful weekend and you weren’t too unsettled about the 40 new bills tabled by a bunch of rebel MPs in your ranks. I must say, darling, that if you haven’t read them already, you absolutely must. It’s not just entertaining reading, it’s like reading a Tory version of Utopia. If even half of these new bills were to be passed, the Conservatives would render UKIP entirely insignificant having absorbed their entire manifesto.

There’s only a couple of bills I don’t agree with in the bunch, including the bill that calls for the publication of the nationalities of all benefit claimants, because, if this was allowed, it would become suddenly obvious that British nationals are five times more likely to claim benefits than foreign nationals and the purpose of it would backfire, however the others make a staggering amount of common sense.

Among my favourites are: BBC Privatisation: because as it stands at the moment, the BBC have a duty to provide an unbiased and diverse range of programming (cough) – this bill would free the corporation of such ridiculous restrictions; the Government Departments bill which would close down the Welsh Office, the Scottish Office and the Northern Ireland Office as they are just only countries and certainly don’t justify having their own departments; and by the same token the bill to abolish the Department for Energy and Climate Change as it serves “no adequate purpose”; also – and this IS sensible – the shutting down of the Office of Deputy Prime Minister. Why does he even need an office? Or even a secretary! All he does is radio shows. Give him an iPhone and a scheduling app and he’s all set! And what about Margaret Thatcher Day: an inspired idea. the bill put forward that would name the August bank holiday in honour of our greatest peace-time leader, God rest her soul. And there’s more: an Asylum Seekers bill that would send all asylum seekers back to their closest safe country. I mean, we don’t want them. I’m sure they’d be welcome anywhere else. Also the bill that would bring back National Service: it’d save some money as we wouldn’t have to pay them and also new recruits would immediately come off the unemployed statistics! Win, win! And what genius: the School Governing Bodies (Adverse Weather Conditions) Bill that would encourage head teachers to keep schools open in instances of heavy ice or snow. Hurrah. There’s nothing worse than bloody kids keeping you away from the office just because the teachers want a snow day. And, as well as the call for the return of the death penalty, and the withdrawal from the European Convention on Human Rights, here’s my absolute, absolute favourite: the Sexual Impropriety in Employment Bill that would limit claims by employees of sexual impropriety to criminal offenses only. This means you could finally give me a job as your PA and there’d be no danger of you ever getting into trouble for groping me or asking for sexual favours in your parliamentary chambers. Not that you would of course, you decent, upstanding Member of Parliament. Tee hee.

Do give these bills the once over, my love. You never know.

Katy Anchant


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