17th June 2013


17th June 2013

My right honourable gentle man,

Darling, I think your Ed MiniCameron needs a little more support. Your bot is facing a bit of a backlash by adopting Tory rhetoric on welfare because a new Labour-sponsored report is denying benefit fraud is a serious problem at all or that welfare spending is out of control – two key untruths that you’ve both been clinging to in order to dismantle the welfare state.

The report is ominously entitled “Exposing the Myths of Welfare”, and mentions, among other things, that, far from being out of control, in the period before the recession, spending on benefits was in the longest period of stability since the introduction of the welfare state and only at 10.4% of GDP, a lot lower than the mid-nineties where it was around 12%. It also found that the amount believed to be lost to benefit fraud was around £1 billion but the weight of this problem is insignificant when compared to the amount lost in tax evasion which is believed to be about £70 billion. It’s a tiresome read. For instance, in order to expel the myth that people on benefits are somehow better off than those working, it states that “a single person working 30 hours a week at the National Minimum Wage would be £2,270 a year better off than on benefits – an income gain of 66%”; to expel the myths expounded by the tabloid press on how the country is being drained by large families: apparently families with more than five children account for only 1% of out-of-work benefit claims; and to address the myth of the families with generations of “worklessness”, the research was unable to uncover any evidence of a culture of worklessness among families and where there existed two generations of out of work people, (e.g. a father and a son) they were in areas with far fewer jobs.

I realise reports like this get published from time to time but each time, worryingly, more and more people seem to read them. The problem, you see, is freedom of the internet. I’m glad you are beginning the rhetoric on tighter internet controls using a clampdown on online pornography as your stated aim. To be honest, when my husband was first introduced to the internet, he had no idea it could be used for anything OTHER than using Google to look for pictures of boobs. (I know you would never be like that darling.) But it has been reported that you’ve said that you fear when any of your three children “grab hold of the iPad” because they risk seeing obscene images. My love, here’s a tip, set your browser to private and shut down the app before you turn it off.

I do hope, though, that you still keep my perfumed letters in your secret drawer and if you need a little something more, just let me know and I can set up another little photo shoot. 😉

Katy Anchant


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