10th June 2013
My favourite PM,
Darling, not only does it seem you have manufactured an “Ed MiniCam” but now it seems you also have an “Ed Balls 2.0”, both of whom are announcing new cut proposals so stupendously Tory that not even the Tories would dream of doing it. Capping state pensions? I can imagine the real Eds gagged and bound in some secret basement in Canary Wharf somewhere, straining at their bonds and screaming muffled cries as they’re forced to watch as their doppelgangers take stage and commit political suicide.
Things are definitely looking up. The Disability Living Allowance gets replaced today by the Personal Independence Payment which is estimated may eventually lead to a fifth of all claimants losing their benefit altogether –some 600,000 people. What a fat saving that would be. And now Labour 2.0 have announced that they would cap pensions if they came to power, it won’t seem such a harsh thing if you now propose a similar cut but just less extreme, which would make you look like the good guy! And why not? You indeed are the good guy. You’re a compassionate guy. You’re getting Britain up from their second-hand IKEA sofas back to work. As you said at the Scottish Tory party conference, you are proud of these cuts. And so you should be. The continuing dismantlement of the welfare state addresses the two biggest problems in our society: the disabled and old people. Let’s face it, they can’t all be Stephen Hawking or Judi Dench.
And while we’re on the subject of future plans, apparently Theresa May has started drawing up plans to execute pulling out of the European Convention for Human Rights if the Tories win a majority in the next election. I’m crossing my fingers for you, my dear, because I know how much it would mean for you if you managed to swing this one. For one thing it would stop the influx of all these ridiculous court cases springing up in the wake of all the cuts. Among the various articles are rights that protect against forced labour (which already caught you out once in the case of workfare), discrimination (which was upheld in the case against disabled people and the bedroom tax which the DWP is now appealing), and; also in one of the articles, the EHRC prohibits the retroactive criminalisation of acts and omissions. “No person may be punished for an act that was not a criminal offence at the time of its commission.” You’ve already done this already but by doing so you seem to have broken another EU law thereby setting yourself up for yet another court case which I’m sure someone is already drawing up right now. Yes, we really need to see the end to these human rights. It’s a slippery slope. There’ll be wanting a decent living wage soon too, I suppose. Good grief.
I do have no doubt in my mind that you will actually win a majority in the next election, my love, because by then, the blues, reds and yellows would’ve meshed into a nice big sludgy brown with you as Grand Poobah and people won’t even have a discernible choice anymore. I’m counting the days.