7th June 2013
My endless love,
Have you seen the Guardian today? Of course you haven’t, darling, you have far far more important things to do, like prepare for that meeting with the secretive Bilderberg group tonight, where you’ll be hobnobbing with world leaders, CEOs and royalty. I’d love to be a fly on the wall. Nobody knows what goes on as there are no civil servants accompanying you, no note-takers, no press… it’s all so mysterious. Kind of makes me a bit hot for you. Well, anyway, apparently, the Guardian is reporting on some poll showing that you are more unpopular than the Tories! Seeing as you are a Tory, it doesn’t make much sense, but there you are, it goes to show, what do they know?
You, less popular than the Tory party? Doesn’t seem possible. Who could be less popular than the Tory party? Just joking, darling. Of course there are far more unpopular parties out there, but my point is you didn’t join politics for popularity. If it was just popularity you wanted, you’d be hosting a TV show that sought out foul-mouthed, uneducated poor people to haul out in front of a camera for everybody’s derision.
Even though Ed MiniBrain, is helping you quite a lot by going from the role of Good Cop to Maniac Cop, with proposals of making out-of-work benefits inaccessible to people who have been employed for less than five years and capping housing benefit at three years – I’m still not quite convinced the new Ed is not a creation of your highly innovative IT department – I still think you ought to do something about your waning popularity. Just a couple of weeks ago, an aging American basketball star came out as gay. It was the first time in major American sports, I believe. Almost on the verge of retiring, he now has lucrative offers coming in from all over the place and messages of support from everybody. He even got a phone call from Obama himself. So, if things get really, really bad, you should just come out as gay. Of course, your wife and I will know it’s not true, but it should send your popularity soaring! It would also explain your immaculate hair.
Peace and love,