6th June 2013




6th June 2013

My dearest banana pudding,

I noticed some time ago that your ‘Nick Clegg’ seemed to either suffer a complete malfunction or the real Nick managed to break his bonds, either way he now has scuppered your plans yet again with the childcare ratios. He said evidence was “overwhelmingly against” changing the rules on ratios. But I suppose you can give him this little victory. It shows you can be a reasonable man, especially where children are involved. (Of course, the fact that the Institute for Fiscal Studies expects that cuts will cause child poverty to surge by half a million over your government’s term isn’t likely to make it into mainstream news.)

Still, old Nick does serve a purpose, not only to legitimise your position in power in the first place, but to show you still have some measure of humanity. As long as he keeps fighting you on things that make no real difference that’s fine. If, for instance, he used the argument of “overwhelming evidence”, to argue against the use of austerity (which has never worked, has caused the economy to flatline and is causing poverty and suicides across the whole of Europe right now); or against the badger cull (which is going ahead despite the recommendations and alternatives suggested by experts); or against the benefit cap and bedroom tax (which has led to further spending, as thousands of families are housed in expensive B&Bs).

But then again, who needs the Cleggbot when you seem to now have an ‘Ed MiniCameron,’ who is now making plans for his own reforms on welfare spending, suggesting a cap on overall benefits. Presumably this means that once the budget on overall welfare spending is spent, people will just have to starve? This goes far beyond what you’ve already done. It looks like you may have overreached. I think you’ve created a monster, my dear! ‘He’ even went so far as to use the phrase “persistent worklessness”, which, as well as a complete dismemberment of the English language, is also suggesting that being unemployed is more or less just a bad habit. Like scratching one’s crotch in public.

Well done, you. Your boys have done fine work there. All that needs to be done now is to make sure Clegg keeps sweating the small stuff and Ed continues to talk himself into obscurity and by 2015 you’ll be home and dry. Go you!

Katy Anchant


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